mynameisblahblahblah
February 23rd, 2012, 03:50 AM
I want to make my writing better, so I would like to ask the Modacity members to look over the story I just wrote and give me some advice/critique on it. I would like not so much grammar critique, more I would like advice on how to make my writing flow better, improving feel and tone, dialogue, characterization, etc.
My story is fantasy, so it may not appeal to you if you do not like fantasy.
Here's the story:
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“Did you hear?” Stephen panted out. “The King’s been killed!”
I turned and looked out across the arboretum’s glittering, sapphire lake. On the damp soil near the edge, a fly flew onto a plant, crawling up its long stem.
“Don’t you know what this means?” he asked, trying to get my attention.
The black insect had gotten to the top of the red plant by the time he had asked the question. Now, it started climbing into the plant’s open leaf, ignoring all else except the scent of raw flesh excreted by the plant.
“Are you listening to me?” Stephen shook my shoulder.
The fly had begun sucking on the leaf, and as it crawled to find more of the sap it so craved, the leaf snapped suddenly, shutting it off from the outside world, and when the leaf would finally open up again, only a exoskeleton would remain.
I turned back to face Stephen. He was young, younger than I was at the time, and his face was not yet marred by what was to come, his eyes still bright and his face still peach colored.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed. “What’d you say?”
Exasperated, he said, “The King’s been killed!”
“Okay?”
“No one has ever been able to kill the King or his ancestors!”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“The King! He hasn’t brought about an heir yet! There’s no one who can take his place!”
“Well, that’s the business of the lords and ladies of the castle, then.”
“But!” he sighed, seeing I didn’t follow him, and started again. “That’s the problem. They are going to be fighting for his place. There will be fights everywhere. Everyone will be caught up in this. Don’t you understand?”
I closed my eyelids, seeing only darkness, and did understand, hoping for exactly the opposite.
With my eyes still closed, I said, “Let’s hope for the best then.”
“That’s what you always do! Hope,” he spat the word. “But it’s not going to help you this time! For the Fifteen’s sake, think! War erupting in the castle would destroy everything!”
I opened my eyes and looked past him at the lustrous green castle beyond. The sun’s glare came down upon it unrelentingly and the resulting shine made it almost completely white in color, hurting my eyes.
“We’re on good terms with everyone so far, but with the splitting of families, we can’t all be on the same side! What do we do then? Hope? It won’t do anything!”
I looked back at Stephen.
“What can we do? All we can do is hope,” I told him. “There’s nothing else.”
“We can…!” he gave up.
“Maybe it won’t even happen,” I said. “If it does, then I guess we’ll just have to choose a side.”
He sighed.
“Come,” I said, holding his shoulder and turning him around. “Let’s go back to the castle.”
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Our silence and the sound of our treading upon the paved roads and underneath the shadows of the redwood forest brought us to the attention of an old man. He stood up from the bench at the side of the road and leaned onto the cane he held in his hand as he walked toward us.
Smiling, he asked, “Going back to the castle already? It won’t be safe, not right now.”
Stephen turned towards him, and said, “We’ll just try to avoid our problems.”
“Oh that won’t do,” the man, smiled, parting his red lips, and said. “They’ll come to you one way or the other.”
“There’s nothing we can do though,” I said, joining the conversation.
“Oh,” he said, then whispered, his smile turning into a grin, pulling his beak-like nose back. “But there is. I can’t speak of it now, with all these people around, but meet me here when the moon reaches its peak and I’ll tell you how.”
I looked at him uneasily, noticing both the man’s features and his discreetness, and then I looked at Stephen; he seemed to be thinking about the offer.
Not letting Stephen think more, I told the man, “We’ll have to leave, but we’ll think about it.”
I pulled my friend and began walking towards the castle once more.
“What were you thinking?” I asked him. “Don’t you think he was at least a little shady? Did you see his smile?”
“He might have been suspicious,” he said. “But there’s a chance that we can make a difference! We can help stop the fights that will arise sooner or later. I can't let this go.”
I let the argument go unsettled and our walk was, again, silent.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I woke to a deafening clap of thunder and I looked out through the clear window of my room. Rain was pouring and lightning danced along the dark, clouded sky.
I opened my door and walked along the hall to Stephen’s room. My indoor shoes went unheard on the soft red carpet that webbed throughout the entirety of the castle as I walked, and the sound of the streams of water at the two sides of the hall muffled the sound of my movement even further.
I knocked on Stephen’s redwood door. No answer.
“Stephen?” I called. “Are you there?”
Again, no answer.
I took out the key he had entrust me with and unlocked the door myself. The room was dark, empty. Realizing at once that he had gone, I turned about and quickly shut the door behind me, locking it as fast as I could, my heart racing as I ran down the stairs of the castle and into the bottom floor.
As was every floor, the first floor was lit by mushroom lamps, and although they would have seemed quite pleasant on any normal night, the irregular series of lightning from outside turned the once beautiful light to something creepy as the floor went in cycles of brightening in blinding white light and then darkening to a green glow. It made me want to run the other way, run all the way back to my room, but I continued running, opening the servant’s door of the castle and out.
As soon as I stepped out into the rain, I was drenched; my clothes completely wet from the large drops of rain that fell from the dark sky above. It was freezing, and there was a mist obscuring my view, so I wrapped my already soaked cloak closer to my body and ran in the direction of the arboretum, the only things guiding me being the green glow of the mushroom lamps and the paved road they followed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stephen stood under a giant redwood tree, waiting for the man to arrive. He wasn’t sure as to whether it was time or not, so he had left as soon as the storm arrived, blocking out the thousands of bright stars that had once filled the sky.
Shivering, he heard the man say, as he came up, “So only you?”
The boy nodded quickly, his teeth chattering.
He chuckled, “Cold aren’t you? If you promise never to speak of this to anyone, then, I can fix that and give you the power you want. You’ll never feel the cold again.”
Stephen looked up, hope flashing in his dark eyes. Thunder clapped.
The man held out an obsidian dagger, “Here, take this. You’ll need it. Take out something you love oh so dearly.”
Stephen took the dagger and, with shaky hands, took off the necklace his mother gave him.
“I need you to cut yourself and let your blood flow onto your necklace,” the man said. “I’ll do the rest.”
Stephen bit his lip.
“Don’t worry. Just do it. You’ll be fine.”
Lightning flashed as the man smiled, turning his face into the two colors of black and white.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sound of my running in the mud was blocked by the many claps of thunder the storm gave out. Lightning flashed out overhead and I pushed further. As I neared the place where I had seen the man before, lightning flashed again and directly in front of me, the Stephen’s lit up figure was bringing down a blade onto his hand. I remember the sound, as it cut through his hand and hit bone, and the sight of his blood running down his hand and flowing onto his deceased mother’s gift.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The man next to him then put out his hands over Stephen’s necklace, a black light emerging from the space between them. His lips moved rapidly, and the lightning flashed again. Stephen’s body lit up in black and white as if only his skeleton were showing.
“The ritual is finished,” the old man said. “You shall never die as long as you hold your necklace and as long as it never breaks. With this, you can bring death to the ones you dislike at the ease of a prayer to the Vulture. Of course, you’ll look significantly older each time you do so.”
The man changed his tone, “But don’t worry, after a while, you’ll stop looking older, in fact you’ll look just like a corpse. Oh wait, you are one already. I’m sorry; I should have told you beforehand.”
Lightning flashed and Stephen looked into the suddenly white eyes of the man, realizing what he had become.
Stephen raised the dagger and brought it down upon the man, but couldn’t bring himself to finish the act.
“I can’t let you do that,” the man chuckled. “The only things you can’t do with your new powers are to kill me, destroy your necklace, or ask someone to do your work for you.”
Chuckling again, he said, “Unlike you, I wasn’t foolish enough to let my life go for eternal life. Death is a good end to life. Too bad you chose otherwise.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I ran and punched the man's temple. He fell to the ground, and I seized the obsidian dagger Stephen had held in his hand, cutting the necromancer’s throat. I could feel myself perspiring as I turned to Stephen.
“What’d he do to you?” I yelled.
Stephen didn’t speak, so I tried to slap him into awareness, but it didn’t seem like he felt it.
“What’d he do to you?” I repeated.
“I…I never thought,” he stammered.
“What? Tell me what!”
“I thought…I thought they were…were just mythological cr-creatures.”
“Tell me!”
He turned, looked into my eyes with his own lifeless ones and whispered, “I’m dead.”
I looked at his hand. Where was the blood?
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Thank you for taking the time to read it if you did.
My story is fantasy, so it may not appeal to you if you do not like fantasy.
Here's the story:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Did you hear?” Stephen panted out. “The King’s been killed!”
I turned and looked out across the arboretum’s glittering, sapphire lake. On the damp soil near the edge, a fly flew onto a plant, crawling up its long stem.
“Don’t you know what this means?” he asked, trying to get my attention.
The black insect had gotten to the top of the red plant by the time he had asked the question. Now, it started climbing into the plant’s open leaf, ignoring all else except the scent of raw flesh excreted by the plant.
“Are you listening to me?” Stephen shook my shoulder.
The fly had begun sucking on the leaf, and as it crawled to find more of the sap it so craved, the leaf snapped suddenly, shutting it off from the outside world, and when the leaf would finally open up again, only a exoskeleton would remain.
I turned back to face Stephen. He was young, younger than I was at the time, and his face was not yet marred by what was to come, his eyes still bright and his face still peach colored.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed. “What’d you say?”
Exasperated, he said, “The King’s been killed!”
“Okay?”
“No one has ever been able to kill the King or his ancestors!”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“The King! He hasn’t brought about an heir yet! There’s no one who can take his place!”
“Well, that’s the business of the lords and ladies of the castle, then.”
“But!” he sighed, seeing I didn’t follow him, and started again. “That’s the problem. They are going to be fighting for his place. There will be fights everywhere. Everyone will be caught up in this. Don’t you understand?”
I closed my eyelids, seeing only darkness, and did understand, hoping for exactly the opposite.
With my eyes still closed, I said, “Let’s hope for the best then.”
“That’s what you always do! Hope,” he spat the word. “But it’s not going to help you this time! For the Fifteen’s sake, think! War erupting in the castle would destroy everything!”
I opened my eyes and looked past him at the lustrous green castle beyond. The sun’s glare came down upon it unrelentingly and the resulting shine made it almost completely white in color, hurting my eyes.
“We’re on good terms with everyone so far, but with the splitting of families, we can’t all be on the same side! What do we do then? Hope? It won’t do anything!”
I looked back at Stephen.
“What can we do? All we can do is hope,” I told him. “There’s nothing else.”
“We can…!” he gave up.
“Maybe it won’t even happen,” I said. “If it does, then I guess we’ll just have to choose a side.”
He sighed.
“Come,” I said, holding his shoulder and turning him around. “Let’s go back to the castle.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our silence and the sound of our treading upon the paved roads and underneath the shadows of the redwood forest brought us to the attention of an old man. He stood up from the bench at the side of the road and leaned onto the cane he held in his hand as he walked toward us.
Smiling, he asked, “Going back to the castle already? It won’t be safe, not right now.”
Stephen turned towards him, and said, “We’ll just try to avoid our problems.”
“Oh that won’t do,” the man, smiled, parting his red lips, and said. “They’ll come to you one way or the other.”
“There’s nothing we can do though,” I said, joining the conversation.
“Oh,” he said, then whispered, his smile turning into a grin, pulling his beak-like nose back. “But there is. I can’t speak of it now, with all these people around, but meet me here when the moon reaches its peak and I’ll tell you how.”
I looked at him uneasily, noticing both the man’s features and his discreetness, and then I looked at Stephen; he seemed to be thinking about the offer.
Not letting Stephen think more, I told the man, “We’ll have to leave, but we’ll think about it.”
I pulled my friend and began walking towards the castle once more.
“What were you thinking?” I asked him. “Don’t you think he was at least a little shady? Did you see his smile?”
“He might have been suspicious,” he said. “But there’s a chance that we can make a difference! We can help stop the fights that will arise sooner or later. I can't let this go.”
I let the argument go unsettled and our walk was, again, silent.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I woke to a deafening clap of thunder and I looked out through the clear window of my room. Rain was pouring and lightning danced along the dark, clouded sky.
I opened my door and walked along the hall to Stephen’s room. My indoor shoes went unheard on the soft red carpet that webbed throughout the entirety of the castle as I walked, and the sound of the streams of water at the two sides of the hall muffled the sound of my movement even further.
I knocked on Stephen’s redwood door. No answer.
“Stephen?” I called. “Are you there?”
Again, no answer.
I took out the key he had entrust me with and unlocked the door myself. The room was dark, empty. Realizing at once that he had gone, I turned about and quickly shut the door behind me, locking it as fast as I could, my heart racing as I ran down the stairs of the castle and into the bottom floor.
As was every floor, the first floor was lit by mushroom lamps, and although they would have seemed quite pleasant on any normal night, the irregular series of lightning from outside turned the once beautiful light to something creepy as the floor went in cycles of brightening in blinding white light and then darkening to a green glow. It made me want to run the other way, run all the way back to my room, but I continued running, opening the servant’s door of the castle and out.
As soon as I stepped out into the rain, I was drenched; my clothes completely wet from the large drops of rain that fell from the dark sky above. It was freezing, and there was a mist obscuring my view, so I wrapped my already soaked cloak closer to my body and ran in the direction of the arboretum, the only things guiding me being the green glow of the mushroom lamps and the paved road they followed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stephen stood under a giant redwood tree, waiting for the man to arrive. He wasn’t sure as to whether it was time or not, so he had left as soon as the storm arrived, blocking out the thousands of bright stars that had once filled the sky.
Shivering, he heard the man say, as he came up, “So only you?”
The boy nodded quickly, his teeth chattering.
He chuckled, “Cold aren’t you? If you promise never to speak of this to anyone, then, I can fix that and give you the power you want. You’ll never feel the cold again.”
Stephen looked up, hope flashing in his dark eyes. Thunder clapped.
The man held out an obsidian dagger, “Here, take this. You’ll need it. Take out something you love oh so dearly.”
Stephen took the dagger and, with shaky hands, took off the necklace his mother gave him.
“I need you to cut yourself and let your blood flow onto your necklace,” the man said. “I’ll do the rest.”
Stephen bit his lip.
“Don’t worry. Just do it. You’ll be fine.”
Lightning flashed as the man smiled, turning his face into the two colors of black and white.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sound of my running in the mud was blocked by the many claps of thunder the storm gave out. Lightning flashed out overhead and I pushed further. As I neared the place where I had seen the man before, lightning flashed again and directly in front of me, the Stephen’s lit up figure was bringing down a blade onto his hand. I remember the sound, as it cut through his hand and hit bone, and the sight of his blood running down his hand and flowing onto his deceased mother’s gift.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The man next to him then put out his hands over Stephen’s necklace, a black light emerging from the space between them. His lips moved rapidly, and the lightning flashed again. Stephen’s body lit up in black and white as if only his skeleton were showing.
“The ritual is finished,” the old man said. “You shall never die as long as you hold your necklace and as long as it never breaks. With this, you can bring death to the ones you dislike at the ease of a prayer to the Vulture. Of course, you’ll look significantly older each time you do so.”
The man changed his tone, “But don’t worry, after a while, you’ll stop looking older, in fact you’ll look just like a corpse. Oh wait, you are one already. I’m sorry; I should have told you beforehand.”
Lightning flashed and Stephen looked into the suddenly white eyes of the man, realizing what he had become.
Stephen raised the dagger and brought it down upon the man, but couldn’t bring himself to finish the act.
“I can’t let you do that,” the man chuckled. “The only things you can’t do with your new powers are to kill me, destroy your necklace, or ask someone to do your work for you.”
Chuckling again, he said, “Unlike you, I wasn’t foolish enough to let my life go for eternal life. Death is a good end to life. Too bad you chose otherwise.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I ran and punched the man's temple. He fell to the ground, and I seized the obsidian dagger Stephen had held in his hand, cutting the necromancer’s throat. I could feel myself perspiring as I turned to Stephen.
“What’d he do to you?” I yelled.
Stephen didn’t speak, so I tried to slap him into awareness, but it didn’t seem like he felt it.
“What’d he do to you?” I repeated.
“I…I never thought,” he stammered.
“What? Tell me what!”
“I thought…I thought they were…were just mythological cr-creatures.”
“Tell me!”
He turned, looked into my eyes with his own lifeless ones and whispered, “I’m dead.”
I looked at his hand. Where was the blood?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for taking the time to read it if you did.