The #1 problem in America is...

[jahrain]

Masturbation.

Yes its true...



Masturbation is more dangerous than smoking. Doctors of a generation ago knew this, but since the Sexual Revolution of the 1960's, this fact has been lost in the "if it feels good, do it" mentality.

Myth: Masturbation is harmless.
Reality: Christianity proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness.

Myth: There are bigger problems than Masturbation, like drugs and AIDS.
Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month!

Myth: Masturbation is not immoral.
Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn't Masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason.

Myth: Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime."
Reality: Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.

Myth: Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for Masturbation being outlawed.
Reality: Oral and anal sex are already illegal in several States, and people like it that way! Masturbatory devices are already illegal in Texas, (http://www.auschron.com/issues/dispatch/2000-08-11/xtra_feature2.html) and the Police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law, even going as far as to torture clerks that worked in stores that sold indecently-shaped soap and candles, and there has been no public outcry.

Myth: But everyone's doing it!
Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate.


My friend, if you ever had any doubt that Masturbation, Violence and Liberalism are the inseparable causes of the current Assault on America! MASTURBATION EQUALS VIOLENCE! How can any honest person believe otherwise in the face of the overwhelming evidence presented here? The one thing that the authors of these messages have in common, other than the fact that they are all seething powderkegs of homicidal fury, is that they all MASTURBATE! LIBERALISM EQUALS VIOLENCE! Note well the Liberal political philosophies parroted by so many of these diatribes! This proves more than ever that ALL Liberal political movements, including Feminism, Communism, Kalistaism, Vegetarianism, the Democratic Party and the current "Peace" movement, are nothing but violent death cults fueled by the evil hatred that comes from Chronic Masturbation! Can anything be more chilling than a warning that you are on a list of victims to be "killed by people with open minds and accepting personalities?"
http://www.truechristian.com/img/realgraph.gif
And this graph proves it.
Source lol (http://www.truechristian.com/masturbation.html)

[Bodzilla]

Oh my god....

why cant there be more preists like p0lar's(?) who encourage it.

When people interpret things out of the bible as literal experiences you end up worshipping Giant spiders.
[/southpark]

[rossmum]

That's hilarious.

...And also somewhat disturbing.

[Reaper Man]

:gonk:

[jahrain]

Lol this website is fucking epic win. Check out the 'Kid's page'. "Warning you must be 18 or older to enter."

[Texrat]

Ummm... satire site...

[Caboose O'Malley]

http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/1838/whativ3.jpg

[Phobias]

ROFL^

I trust this graph..
Although it won't stop me from doing it hurr

[Terin]

Did you know that all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts, have another thing in common? They all breath air, you know. Oxygen is the molecule of SIN!

lulz

[rossmum]

Ummm... satire site...
Still disturbing, as for every satire site like this there's a real one :p

[Texrat]

Still disturbing, as for every satire site like this there's a real one :p

That's what makes satire so much fun... for twisted folks like me, anyway. :lol:

[FRain]

http://img251.imageshack.us/img251/3637/gonkhz2.gif

[Emmzee]

Graphs don't lie.

Stealth, stop the wanking.

[Rob Oplawar]

I thought it was kinda funny until i read this part, and then I decided it was hilarious:

Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate.
lol

[atomicpower93]

Errm how can studdies show how many people masurbate, are they watching?!

[Rob Oplawar]

they asked ceiling cat

[TeeKup]

The number one problem in america is people are too goddamn fat.

We had a woman at Carowinds actually break the Ricochet Rollercoaster because she LIFTED HER STOMACH FAT AND LAID IT ON THE RESTRAINT. When the car came back around it popped after she got off and the dispatch engine started smoking.

[Neuro Guro]

-

[Pooky]

http://img251.imageshack.us/img251/3637/gonkhz2.gif

Someone needs to make a high res gonk, cause seeing that really hurts my eyes >_>

[Emmzee]

they asked ceiling cat
http://www.cisnky.com/images/blog/ceiling_cat.jpg

[rossmum]

The number one problem in america is people are too goddamn fat.

We had a woman at Carowinds actually break the Ricochet Rollercoaster because she LIFTED HER STOMACH FAT AND LAID IT ON THE RESTRAINT. When the car came back around it popped after she got off and the dispatch engine started smoking.
Wow, are you serious?

[Skyline]

Myth: There are bigger problems than Masturbation, like drugs and AIDS.
Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW!


Then there are 150,000 Americans that have less of a chance to get AIDS from sex RIGHT NOW :haw:!

[Mass]

Well, it is sort of like giving a hand job.
and

"god hates fags" (http://www.eveningservice.com/Video)

[Jay2645]

they asked ceiling cat
LOL!
Funniest thing I read all day.

[ExAm]

This is the funniest thing I've seen all day, other than finding my friend stoned near school.

Also, *jumps on the bandwagon* (http://www.shelleytherepublican.com/)

[n00b1n8R]

my response:
DA- n00b1n8R -(+ '_' +)-: ROFLCOPTERZ
DA- n00b1n8R -(+ '_' +)-: MAN THE ROFLCOPTERZ
DA- n00b1n8R -(+ '_' +)-: FIRE THE LOLMISSILES

[Caboose O'Malley]

Ceiling cat's a perv....

[Aerowyn]

This was the image (http://www.truechristian.com/img/fish.jpg) that made me totally realize how fake this website is. XD

EDIT:

Forget what I said about that image.

THIS is making me lol so fucking hard. (http://www.truechristian.com/furries.html)
Whoever came up with this joke site obviously didn't know how to be subtle. XD

[TeeKup]

Wow, are you serious?

I'm dead serious.

[rossmum]

Oh wow. That's just... fucked up.

[jahrain]

This was the image (http://www.truechristian.com/img/fish.jpg) that made me totally realize how fake this website is. XD

EDIT:

Forget what I said about that image.

THIS is making me lol so fucking hard. (http://www.truechristian.com/furries.html)
Whoever came up with this joke site obviously didn't know how to be subtle. XD
You didn't realize from the article I posted?

[n00b1n8R]

You didn't realize from the article I posted?

abit hard to tell at times :/

[Warsaw]

Oh wow. That's just... fucked up.

Agreed. In fact, there was an article in Scientific American about the problem of shifting from huger to obesity.

[Texrat]

Whoever came up with this joke site obviously didn't know how to be subtle. XD

It's S-A-T-I-R-E. Not supposed to be subtle.

[Dr Nick]

It's S-A-T-I-R-E. Not supposed to be subtle.It's still full of lulz!

[TeeKup]

Oh wow. That's just... fucked up.

Please tell that to the majority of the American population. Overly obese people disgust me.

[Roostervier]

Please tell that to the majority of the American population. Overly obese people disgust me.
IAWTP. It is disgusting, along with your story.

Also, lulz at the article.

[ExAm]

Please tell that to the majority of the American population. Overly obese people disgust me.I highly doubt that the majority of us are obese.

[DrunkenSamus]

Wait...it causes nearsightedness and forgetfulness? That is so weird because I'm kind of nearsighted and I usually forget to do a few things...this might actually be true...

[Rob Oplawar]

http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpa/obesity/images/obesity_map_2006.gif

yeah we haven't reached a majority yet, but it's still pretty bad. but Booyah bitches, I told you Colorado (the blue one in the middle) was relatively healthy.

edit: btw, this is a map shows percentages of obese people in the population by state.

edit edit: if you live in Mississippi: [professor]Look at the person to your left. Now look at the person to your right. One of you will fail this class is a fatass.

[jahrain]

O_o.... How did this thread go from masturbation to fat people?

[Pooky]

The number one problem in america is people are too goddamn fat.
.

[leorimolo]

This thread is full of win

[Kybo_Ren]

Rofl

[Caboose O'Malley]

http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/1231/lugginsb2.jpg

[Archon23]

Oh hello there reality :downs:

[Kybo_Ren]

http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/1231/lugginsb2.jpg
ROFL

[Emmzee]

O_o.... How did this thread go from masturbation to fat people?
What's the difference?

[ExAm]

What's the difference?
They both tie into "The number one problem in America...", except one is legitimate, the other is not. If you chose "obesity", you're correct. If you didn't, go hang yourself.

[STLRamsFan]

The number one problem in america is people are too goddamn fat.

We had a woman at Carowinds actually break the Ricochet Rollercoaster because she LIFTED HER STOMACH FAT AND LAID IT ON THE RESTRAINT. When the car came back around it popped after she got off and the dispatch engine started smoking.

Haha wow, and I thought I've seen it all. I remember this one lady who was obese and smoked. Well she smoked right into my face when I was running right past her and she was almost done with .1 of a mile when I was done with a 1.5 mile. :eyesroll:

[Emmzee]

They both tie into "The number one problem in America...", except one is legitimate, the other is not. If you chose "obesity", you're correct. If you didn't, go hang yourself.
No. I'm talking about the fact that fat people masturbate more than anyone else because nobody wants to bang fatties.

FACT.

[Dr Nick]

And I'm talking about how Emmzee masturbates because nobody wants to bang him.

FACT.


lol jk

[n00b1n8R]

emmzee's sig dissagrees.
E: OSHIT 4K :d

[Emmzee]

And I'm talking about how Emmzee masturbates because nobody wants to bang him.

FACT.

Apparently, to you, Atty and Ross don't count as "people".

[LlamaMaster]

Apparently, to you, Atty and Ross don't count as "people".
Thats because their machines.

SEX MACHINES

[Emmzee]

Thats because their machines.

SEX MACHINES
Fact.

[Rob Oplawar]

this thread is XD

[Random]

this thread is XD

I just realized that I make a XD face when I jack off.

[p0lar_bear]

I just realized that I make a XD face when I jack off.

http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p119/p0lar_bear/emotes/biggonk.gif

[jahrain]

That blown up pixelated emoticon deteriorates my eyes more and more every time I see it. I think staring directly into the sun does less damage.

[n00b1n8R]

I just realized that I make a XD face when I jack off.
XD

[Caboose O'Malley]

The #1 problem in America is...


http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/880/dobbuyamm4.jpg

[Emmzee]

http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/880/dobbuyamm4.jpg
:bandwagon:

[Skiiran]

:bandwagon:
That doesn't actually make it not true.

[p0lar_bear]

http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/880/dobbuyamm4.jpg

http://sa.tweek.us/emots/images/emot-fappery.gif

[n00b1n8R]

Hot.