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Thread: [GALLERY] Sever's Lyrical Works

  1. #1
    Chasing Meteors Sever's Avatar
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    Jan 2007
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    [GALLERY] Sever's Lyrical Works

    Alright, I'm going to give this a second try, since my old thread didn't get much attention, and since I've updated some of my works. I'm only posting my five favorite and most-finished pieces for now, but if people actually comment on them, I'll post more. Feel free to say whatever you want to, be it positive or negative, but just try and be constructive if you will. Here we go!

    Also, be sure to take note of the additional scrollbar to the right. >>>


    Denial


    Get in line
    Did my time
    Never thought that I would see you here again
    I’m
    Too scared to even try
    Never knew that I would never see the end

    How much longer 'til I can walk away from all those things you’ve said?
    How long until I’ll understand what you really meant?

    (It all falls down on me in this space)
    (What I’ll have to face I won’t let it show)

    Trust my denial
    It’ll never show
    It’ll take awhile
    I’m waiting to go

    Get in line
    Did my time
    Take me somewhere you think I’d rather be
    I’m
    Too scared to even try
    Take me back to what you said I need

    How much longer 'til I can walk away from all those things you’ve said?
    How long until I’ll understand what you really meant?

    (Sun beats down on my burning face)
    (Take me to the place I never want to go)

    Trust my denial
    It’ll never show
    It’ll take awhile
    I’m waiting to go

    Even if I could have known - Everything would be the same
    I would still be where I am - Only with a different name

    Hit Me

    Come on you want to hit me me
    Batter be mean with the fast-ball shortfall
    Drop yourself not plagued by the doldrums
    Hit it with a roll on the barrel drums
    Always got a trick up my sleeve in a heartbeat
    Nothing worn on it worn
    DOWN not time to fall
    DOWN not enough to break
    DOWN not ready to
    DIE… HIT ME

    Got too much on top of me six feet
    Pyre getting higher with the garbage you spit
    Sick of this give me a break from berating
    Hit me again you’ll see what’s shaking
    Black jack black-eyed suicide regiment
    Anything better than last night’s main event
    Too meek too weak to take a peak at the fist
    Side of the face - Right time wrong place
    Sandpaper thoughts grate on the wrong space
    Leave me with nothing laugh at everything

    HIT ME
    Are you not man enough?
    Have I not had enough?
    HIT ME
    Made to take anything

    Mechanized synergized
    Take another hit from yourself you want to push me
    Just another permanent miss hold me from this
    Back me up no strings attached
    Now I got to snap the leash restraining me
    Nothing torn from me torn
    OUT not time to fail
    OUT not enough to bail
    OUT not ready to
    TRY… HIT ME

    Nothing ethereal about this / frailness
    Solid walls built to fall seven ten split
    Catch 22 how about you hitting me
    Push and shove won’t get you anything
    You bring it on I got no one to blame
    Nine yards of fame from the cage to the flame
    Too bruised to choose what you’re gonna loose
    Damned if you don’t - Well I declare I won’t
    You weakling leaving me with nothing to confront
    Take another swing at me not enough for me

    HIT ME
    Are you not man enough?
    Have I not had enough?
    HIT ME
    Save it with your suffering

    Catatonic mishap
    Slip back and get slapped
    Snap won’t be the last
    Gonna hit you on the second pass
    TAKE BACK
    Not going there again
    Lead me to a dead end
    Take another sip of this
    Flip this - Hit me

    My clockwork can't bleed
    My clockwork can't bleed
    My clockwork can't bleed

    Are you not man enough?
    Have I not had enough?
    HIT ME
    Come on give me everything

    Return


    Remind me how to stand again
    I'm sure I can't on my own
    Tracing lines you've left behind
    Chasing your trail alone

    Blinded by the sharp reflections
    Your distant sun grows cold
    Wandering through your reverie
    My intentions draw blood

    Even though I feel this way
    I'll believe what you say
    Hopefully

    Losing my balance
    Your gravity holds me
    Sleepwalk my way
    Into your daydream

    Remind me how to stand again
    I'm sure I can't on my own
    Even though I feel this way
    I'll believe what you say

    This is your time

    Treading through the fallen petals
    Your ocean drawing nearer
    I see the wind run through the trees
    But I don't feel your breeze on me

    Squinting into your distant sun
    I rescind my dreams
    I can't be reached by the fading light
    But your shine still embraces me

    Even though I feel this way
    I'll believe what you say
    Even though I feel this way
    I'll believe what you say

    Its not my time

    Tangled

    Bite back the blade - Chew the steel and swallow it down
    Twisting the shard - This silence is constricting me now
    Push it in - I can’t believe this
    Breaking the skin - Cut myself from this
    Take her - I’m done with her
    No one else will care

    Her lack of words
    Stings like daggers
    My lack of nerves
    I would rather

    Bend myself / I’m contorting and forcing it in
    Break myself / Mind’s distorting and warping within
    Make myself / I’m clawing and gnawing my skin
    Why didn’t I see this?

    Holding my tongue - Her fingernails are clawing it out
    Burn off my skin - Her chemicals bring me to the ground
    Push it in - I can’t believe this
    Breaking the skin - Cut myself from this
    Gone now - I don’t remember
    Never needed her

    Her lack of words
    Stings like daggers
    My lack of nerves
    I would rather

    Bend myself / I’m contorting and forcing it in
    Break myself / Mind’s distorting and warping within
    Make myself / I’m clawing and gnawing my skin
    Why didn’t I see this?

    Barbed wire noose - Forced around the neck
    Chemical burns - Sear what’s left of the flesh
    Sink the teeth - Marrow-deep in me
    Force the blade - Shift it underneath
    I would rather
    Twist it

    Label me - Hate me
    You will - Break me
    Label me - Hate me
    You can - Make me
    Label me - Hate me
    You will - Break me
    Label me - Hate me
    I would rather

    Label me - Hate me
    You will - Break me
    Label me - Hate me
    You can - Make me
    Label me - Hate me
    You will - Break me
    Label me - Hate me
    Why didn't I see this?

    Why - Didn't I... - See this?
    Why... - Didn't I - See this...
    Why - Didn't I... - See this?
    Why... - Didn't I - See this...

    T(h)rash


    You / Don't blame me / Just throw me away / I blame you / Just throw you away

    I / Hold dear to my impurities - Cause they're what's sustaining me
    You're calling this quarantine - I'm calling this genocide
    Claw my face - Crack my nerves
    This is one of my better turns
    When / I close my eyes - I can see through your frail disguise
    You're claiming to purify - I'm struggling to survive
    Look in my eyes - My raw back's against the wall
    Thorn in my side - Got no time to claw you out

    You / Flaw / It's your fault - They just don't care
    You / Flaw / It's your fault - Just flee from here

    You / You're not so precious to me / You're not so special to me
    You're not so precious to me / You're not so special to me

    Put
    Some inside of me / Seeping it's way through
    Scars from incisions / Seeking my dead core
    Collapse / Intact / Relapse
    Detatch / Retract / Get Back

    You / You're not so precious to me / Don't blame me / You're not so special to me / I blame you
    You / You're not so precious to me / Don't blame me / You're not so special to me / I blame you
    You / Just throw me away / Flaw / Just throw you away
    You / Just throw me away / Flaw / Just throw you away
    You / You're no better than me / You're no better than me
    You / You're no better than your core / You're no better than mine
    You / You're no better than your / Flaws / You're no better than me
    You / You're no better than your / Flaws / You're not so special to me
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  2. #2
    I R Serious Texra DaneO'Roo's Avatar
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    Sep 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    3,876

    Re: Sever's Lyrical Works

    Pretty decent lyrics, but you need to expand the focus of the message more. It's too personal. Too many I's and Me's and Myself's to make anyone want to care.

    9 times out of 10 when people personify a song, it leaves no room for other people to draw interpretation and gather information. It's just sounds like a prepubescent rant from a middle class teenager who thinks hes angry and hurt, when he's got no idea.

    My favorite part of your whole bunch of lyrics would have to be this part:

    (Sun beats down on my burning face)
    8 syllables
    (Take me to the place I never want to go)
    10 syllables

    I like the syllable length on the words because it leaves room to offbeat and accent in the middle. You rhymed the words me and beat, which I like, and you broke up both lines with a word that contains two syllables, while the rest were 1 syllable words. Pretty well done on that part. I don't really like the actual content of those words though, just the phrasing.

    The rest of it is pretty dam generic however, with all the blades, burning, blinding and bleeding and too many forced adjectives. Also the fact that they all seem to be so subjectively negative, and from a jaded standpoint. Sure it's fine to tell thing's from a self absorbed perspective, but when it's for every single song, it just looks and sounds so forced and try hardish.
    We all have issues, try to reach out, ask questions rather than stating ambelished points of view.
    Last edited by DaneO'Roo; September 9th, 2008 at 04:06 AM.
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