Denominator Says:
I hope your baby cries the entire time I'm at the zoo.
Null says:
Null says:
She's sleeping right now.
Denominator Says:
Well wake her up.
Null says:
Just a second, I'll shake her vigorously.
Denominator Says:
You might want to drop her too.
Denominator Says:
Got any concrete floors nearby?
Null says:
Yeah, actually.
Null says:
Is it bad if her eyes are now rolled back into her head?
Denominator Says:
No, that just means she's sleeping hard.
Null says:
I hear that babies really like snow as well. It's like being in the womb all over again.
Denominator Says:
No, that's deep water.
Null says:
Snow is just frozen water, same thing.
Null says:
I'll just bury her deeper.
Denominator Says:
And they really really like being wrapped up in tons of blankets.
Denominator Says:
Or cellophane.
Denominator Says:
Whichever's more convenient.
Null says:
Garbage bags are a good substitute as well.
Denominator Says:
And don't forget to leave them near an open fire. They get cold really easily.
Null says:
I hear there's some really good insulation properties in gasoline or something like that. Should I cover her in that as well?
Denominator Says:
Then put her near the fire. She can discover her Jewish ancestry.
Null says:
Good, that will match the numbered tattoo that I gave her.
Null says:
(With a dirty needle, of course)
Null says:
It raises their immune system.
Denominator Says:
I hope you remembered to pierce her nipples with kitchen knives.
Null says:
Haven't heard of that one, I'll have to give it a shot.
Denominator Says:
Use the oldest and dullest knife you own. Sharp things are too dangerous.
Null says:
Yeah, I was going to give her a bottle of tylenol to shake as a rattle, but it said I had to keep the bottle away from children for some reason, so I just dumped the pills out on the floor.
Denominator Says:
You should have just taken a glass bottle and filled it with marbles.
Null says:
Yeah, I hear kids really like marbles.
Null says:
And glass.
Denominator Says:
I trust you've taught her to drive already?
Null says:
I'm going to have to use my wife's car, I tried in my Manual and she couldn't get it in gear. Just putting it into Drive is so much easier.
Denominator Says:
And make sure you leave a brick on the accelerator. She should only need to worry about one pedal at this point.
Null says:
Definitely.
Denominator Says:
And if you ever need to block a trailer in place and don't have blocks, I hear babies make an excellent subsitution.
Null says:
Yeah, I heard that their head is a lot harder for the first few years.
Denominator Says:
You might as well use it for a hammer when you're renovating you basement.
Null says:
When I have another kid, I'll use the new one to beat the older one.
Denominator Says:
Exactly. Who needs a belt when you've got siblings?
Null says:
Because it is a two fold punishment. Physical and Mental. Physical is obivious, but the Mental part, who wants to be over-powered by their younger sibling, its just demoralizing.
Denominator Says:
It can be double fold too. You could spank the older kid with the younger kid, so he has to keep putting his face in her ass.
Null says:
Brings new meaning to the insult "butthead".
Denominator Says:
Then, when you have a third child, you could dual weild them.
Null says:
Like Needlers in Halo 2.
Denominator Says:
I'm not sure your children would be that overpowering though.
Null says:
Depending upon who wields them.
Denominator Says:
Or, with 3 children, you could light them on fire and juggle them. Be the hit of the neighbourhood.
Null says:
I am a pretty good juggler. But after a while my arms get tired and I tend to drop them. It's always disappointing.
Null says:
When I have 4 kids, I can use 3 of them as a barrier for the 4th, to keep him in timeout or something. The hardest thing is getting the first 3 to stay still, but I've found a secret to that. If you hold a pillow over their face for a while, they get so concentrated from the lack of stimulus that they lie completely still.
Denominator Says:
Or you can overstimulate their face and it has the same effect. A baseball bat is usually most effective for this.
Null says:
I was unaware of that trick.
Denominator Says:
I also hear that it is neccessary to "break in" babies, like a baseball glove.
Denominator Says:
You need to kick them around a bit, throw balls at them, and play catch with them before they're useable.
Denominator Says:
It is also recommended to take them out into the wilderness and leave them be for a couple of days to harden them up.
Null says:
And then they learn their survival skills as well. Like what dirt tastes like and how to fend off wolves.
Denominator Says:
And how to hunt. I mean, seriously, who wants a child that can't kill a bear with it's bare hands?
Null says:
Psssh, one bare hand.
Null says:
Or, even just a cold stare.
Denominator Says:
Yeah. The child must be ambidextrous. How else will it survive after you use it to push wood through your table saw?
Null says:
Wait........ babies don't have super regenerative powers to grow back limbs?
Denominator Says:
No, Null. That's why you have multiple babies.
Denominator Says:
I've gotta go now. I'll see you in hell.
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