A collection of dark humor, courtesy of Reddit

[ExAm]

Click hear (http://www.reddit.com/comments/6uqzr/i_find_it_really_hard_to_find_dark_humor_in/). :v:

This one is probably the worst out of them:

How long does it take for a baby in a microwave to explode?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I jack off

Discuss.

[FluffyDucky™]

What did the blind, deaf, crippled little girl get for Christmas?
Cancer.

LMAO, first one and I laughed. God I'm lame. And like, I don't get the microwave baby one. :(

[FlyingStone]

What gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compacter.


My grandpa was in the doctors the other day, and the doctor turned to him and said, "I have some bad news. You have cancer, and you have Alzheimers." My grandpa started laughing, and said, "HAHA! At least I don't have cancer!"

...

[Kornman00]

So, I was having sex with my girlfriend the other night, and decided to get a little bit frisky so I stuck it up her butt. She immediately pushed me off, and said "Well that sure was presumptuous of you!", to which I replied "Presumptuous? That's a pretty big word for an eight year old!"
lol, atty

[Monopoly]

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."



What has two legs and bleeds profusely? Half a cat.


Lots of baby jokes.

[Con]

Why don't black people go on cruises? They've fallen for that one before.

[Monopoly]

A man is driving down the road past the Grand Canyon when he sees a small boy standing at the edge. As he pulls his car closer he sees that the boy is crying. He gets out and asks the boy why. He sobbingly says:

Me and my mommy and my daddy and my sister were driving on vacation when the car lost control and headed toward the cliff. I jumped out the the rest of them di[he starts sobbing]
The man asks the boy if he's hurt, and the boy nods, pointing to the broken arm at his side. The man looks the boy in the eyes and says:

Well kid, today is not your lucky day.
and unzips his pants.

[FlyingStone]

I feel horrible for laughing at some of this

"How do you kill a retard? You put a knife in his hand and ask "who's special?""

This one took me a second to get:

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

[Heathen]

What's pink and bubbly and crawls up your leg?
A homesick abortion.

wow


What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
An erection.



A guy runs up to his mate all excited.
"You wouldn't believe what just happened to me! I was walking next to the rail road this evening when I found a super hot chick tied to the tracks! I set her free then we made beautiful love for hours!"
"That is amazing" his mate replied enviously "Did you get a blowjob too?"
"No" he answered disappointingly "I couldn't find the head."

[TeeKup]

A man is driving down the road past the Grand Canyon when he sees a small boy standing at the edge. As he pulls his car closer he sees that the boy is crying. He gets out and asks the boy why. He sobbingly says:
Me and my mommy and my daddy and my sister were driving on vacation when the car lost control and headed toward the cliff. I jumped out the the rest of them di[he starts sobbing]
The man asks the boy if he's hurt, and the boy nods, pointing to the broken arm at his side. The man looks the boy in the eyes and says:
Well kid, today is not your lucky day.
and unzips his pants.

Wow thats fucking terrible.

[Heathen]

LOL, thats hilarious. This is feeding to my sick sense of humor. Coincidentally, me and my mate were up at 6:00AM this morning sitting in each a fouton....telling fucked up jokes like this. You have made me the joke telling master. Thanks.

[Bodzilla]

LOL AT THREAD

[Con]

What's the difference between a 21 year old girl and a 12 year old girl?

Beats me.

[n00b1n8R]

I am now the funniest guy in school. Thanks internet. :awesome:
/infomertial

[Edward Elrich]

Here's one not listed on that page that's funny:
v Dirty joke
Jimmy was playing in the mud and got dirty
v Clean joke
Jimmy took a bath with bubbles.
v Dirty joke
Bubbles is the girl next door.

[Limited]

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Couldnt help laughing.

[LlamaMaster]

A priest and a rabbi walk out of a bar. Across the street they see an 11 year old boy.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says "look over there, do you see that? Let's go screw that 11 year old boy." The rabbi replies "out of what?"

[DaneO'Roo]

A guy is walking along the beach, when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs lying on the sand, crying.
He walks over to her and asks what's wrong. "I've never been hugged before" she says. Thinking this is a simple enough request, the man hugs her.
She soon starts crying again. He again asks what's wrong, and she replies, "I've never been kissed before." The man again complies with her wishes and gives her a romantic kiss.
She starts crying again, and the man, slightly irritated, asks what's her problem. "I've never been fucked before" she says.
So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says, "There, now you're fucked"

[Random]

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."




What is black and blue and hates sex?
The 8 year old boy in my trunk.




What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese




A 7-year-old boy and a 40-year old man are walking together in a dark forest. The young boy says, "I'm afraid..." The 40-year-old man replies," You're afraid?! I have to walk out of here alone!"



Why did Hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill



Q:Who does Christopher Reeve wish he was?
A:Chistopher Walken


YAAAAAAAAAAAHH

[Zeph]

Non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister.

It tastes the same, but it's just not right.





There's a plane flying over the Atlantic ocean. The pilot comes on the intercom, and says

"I'm sorry to have to say this, but we appear to be losing fuel at an alarming rate. There is a chance that we won't make it to land."

Everyone starts freaking out, and it quickly degenerates to an extremely tense situation. No one is making a noise, they're all trying to get ready for an inevitable death.

Finally, after two minutes of silence, a woman stands up, and screams, "I don't want to die afraid. Is there no one here that can make me feel like a woman?"

So, a man at the front of the plane stands up. Built, long dark hair, clean shaven... He walks towards her with a confidence that would put normal men to shame. He slowly unbuttons his shirt, and takes it off. He stops a foot away from the womans face, leans forward, and hands her the shirt. He says "Here, iron this."



"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

[DaneO'Roo]

Hahaha, the plane one is excellent Zeph.

also


What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.


What kind of watch should you buy for your wife?

What the hell does she need a watch for? There's a clock on the stove.



Why did the woman cross the road.

The important question is what is she doing out of the kitchen with shoes on?



Princess Diana had really bad dandruff. they found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.