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View Full Version : [GALLERY] Sever's Lyrical Works



Sever
September 8th, 2008, 12:14 PM
Alright, I'm going to give this a second try, since my old thread didn't get much attention, and since I've updated some of my works. I'm only posting my five favorite and most-finished pieces for now, but if people actually comment on them, I'll post more. Feel free to say whatever you want to, be it positive or negative, but just try and be constructive if you will. Here we go!

Also, be sure to take note of the additional scrollbar to the right. >>>


Denial

Get in line
Did my time
Never thought that I would see you here again
I’m
Too scared to even try
Never knew that I would never see the end

How much longer 'til I can walk away from all those things you’ve said?
How long until I’ll understand what you really meant?

(It all falls down on me in this space)
(What I’ll have to face I won’t let it show)

Trust my denial
It’ll never show
It’ll take awhile
I’m waiting to go

Get in line
Did my time
Take me somewhere you think I’d rather be
I’m
Too scared to even try
Take me back to what you said I need

How much longer 'til I can walk away from all those things you’ve said?
How long until I’ll understand what you really meant?

(Sun beats down on my burning face)
(Take me to the place I never want to go)

Trust my denial
It’ll never show
It’ll take awhile
I’m waiting to go

Even if I could have known - Everything would be the same
I would still be where I am - Only with a different name

Hit Me

Come on you want to hit me me
Batter be mean with the fast-ball shortfall
Drop yourself not plagued by the doldrums
Hit it with a roll on the barrel drums
Always got a trick up my sleeve in a heartbeat
Nothing worn on it worn
DOWN not time to fall
DOWN not enough to break
DOWN not ready to
DIE… HIT ME

Got too much on top of me six feet
Pyre getting higher with the garbage you spit
Sick of this give me a break from berating
Hit me again you’ll see what’s shaking
Black jack black-eyed suicide regiment
Anything better than last night’s main event
Too meek too weak to take a peak at the fist
Side of the face - Right time wrong place
Sandpaper thoughts grate on the wrong space
Leave me with nothing laugh at everything

HIT ME
Are you not man enough?
Have I not had enough?
HIT ME
Made to take anything

Mechanized synergized
Take another hit from yourself you want to push me
Just another permanent miss hold me from this
Back me up no strings attached
Now I got to snap the leash restraining me
Nothing torn from me torn
OUT not time to fail
OUT not enough to bail
OUT not ready to
TRY… HIT ME

Nothing ethereal about this / frailness
Solid walls built to fall seven ten split
Catch 22 how about you hitting me
Push and shove won’t get you anything
You bring it on I got no one to blame
Nine yards of fame from the cage to the flame
Too bruised to choose what you’re gonna loose
Damned if you don’t - Well I declare I won’t
You weakling leaving me with nothing to confront
Take another swing at me not enough for me

HIT ME
Are you not man enough?
Have I not had enough?
HIT ME
Save it with your suffering

Catatonic mishap
Slip back and get slapped
Snap won’t be the last
Gonna hit you on the second pass
TAKE BACK
Not going there again
Lead me to a dead end
Take another sip of this
Flip this - Hit me

My clockwork can't bleed
My clockwork can't bleed
My clockwork can't bleed

Are you not man enough?
Have I not had enough?
HIT ME
Come on give me everything

Return

Remind me how to stand again
I'm sure I can't on my own
Tracing lines you've left behind
Chasing your trail alone

Blinded by the sharp reflections
Your distant sun grows cold
Wandering through your reverie
My intentions draw blood

Even though I feel this way
I'll believe what you say
Hopefully

Losing my balance
Your gravity holds me
Sleepwalk my way
Into your daydream

Remind me how to stand again
I'm sure I can't on my own
Even though I feel this way
I'll believe what you say

This is your time

Treading through the fallen petals
Your ocean drawing nearer
I see the wind run through the trees
But I don't feel your breeze on me

Squinting into your distant sun
I rescind my dreams
I can't be reached by the fading light
But your shine still embraces me

Even though I feel this way
I'll believe what you say
Even though I feel this way
I'll believe what you say

Its not my time

Tangled

Bite back the blade - Chew the steel and swallow it down
Twisting the shard - This silence is constricting me now
Push it in - I can’t believe this
Breaking the skin - Cut myself from this
Take her - I’m done with her
No one else will care

Her lack of words
Stings like daggers
My lack of nerves
I would rather

Bend myself / I’m contorting and forcing it in
Break myself / Mind’s distorting and warping within
Make myself / I’m clawing and gnawing my skin
Why didn’t I see this?

Holding my tongue - Her fingernails are clawing it out
Burn off my skin - Her chemicals bring me to the ground
Push it in - I can’t believe this
Breaking the skin - Cut myself from this
Gone now - I don’t remember
Never needed her

Her lack of words
Stings like daggers
My lack of nerves
I would rather

Bend myself / I’m contorting and forcing it in
Break myself / Mind’s distorting and warping within
Make myself / I’m clawing and gnawing my skin
Why didn’t I see this?

Barbed wire noose - Forced around the neck
Chemical burns - Sear what’s left of the flesh
Sink the teeth - Marrow-deep in me
Force the blade - Shift it underneath
I would rather
Twist it

Label me - Hate me
You will - Break me
Label me - Hate me
You can - Make me
Label me - Hate me
You will - Break me
Label me - Hate me
I would rather

Label me - Hate me
You will - Break me
Label me - Hate me
You can - Make me
Label me - Hate me
You will - Break me
Label me - Hate me
Why didn't I see this?

Why - Didn't I... - See this?
Why... - Didn't I - See this...
Why - Didn't I... - See this?
Why... - Didn't I - See this...

T(h)rash

You / Don't blame me / Just throw me away / I blame you / Just throw you away

I / Hold dear to my impurities - Cause they're what's sustaining me
You're calling this quarantine - I'm calling this genocide
Claw my face - Crack my nerves
This is one of my better turns
When / I close my eyes - I can see through your frail disguise
You're claiming to purify - I'm struggling to survive
Look in my eyes - My raw back's against the wall
Thorn in my side - Got no time to claw you out

You / Flaw / It's your fault - They just don't care
You / Flaw / It's your fault - Just flee from here

You / You're not so precious to me / You're not so special to me
You're not so precious to me / You're not so special to me

Put
Some inside of me / Seeping it's way through
Scars from incisions / Seeking my dead core
Collapse / Intact / Relapse
Detatch / Retract / Get Back

You / You're not so precious to me / Don't blame me / You're not so special to me / I blame you
You / You're not so precious to me / Don't blame me / You're not so special to me / I blame you
You / Just throw me away / Flaw / Just throw you away
You / Just throw me away / Flaw / Just throw you away
You / You're no better than me / You're no better than me
You / You're no better than your core / You're no better than mine
You / You're no better than your / Flaws / You're no better than me
You / You're no better than your / Flaws / You're not so special to me

DaneO'Roo
September 9th, 2008, 04:04 AM
Pretty decent lyrics, but you need to expand the focus of the message more. It's too personal. Too many I's and Me's and Myself's to make anyone want to care.

9 times out of 10 when people personify a song, it leaves no room for other people to draw interpretation and gather information. It's just sounds like a prepubescent rant from a middle class teenager who thinks hes angry and hurt, when he's got no idea.

My favorite part of your whole bunch of lyrics would have to be this part:

(Sun beats down on my burning face)
8 syllables
(Take me to the place I never want to go)
10 syllables

I like the syllable length on the words because it leaves room to offbeat and accent in the middle. You rhymed the words me and beat, which I like, and you broke up both lines with a word that contains two syllables, while the rest were 1 syllable words. Pretty well done on that part. I don't really like the actual content of those words though, just the phrasing.

The rest of it is pretty dam generic however, with all the blades, burning, blinding and bleeding and too many forced adjectives. Also the fact that they all seem to be so subjectively negative, and from a jaded standpoint. Sure it's fine to tell thing's from a self absorbed perspective, but when it's for every single song, it just looks and sounds so forced and try hardish.
We all have issues, try to reach out, ask questions rather than stating ambelished points of view.