[WIP] Titanic Coursework

[Hunter]

I will post updates to my college course work here, I don't know why, it would probably help me to pass the course if a whole community have their opinion on the essay, I will be writing it in parts, through out 3 months or something like that.

Part 1:


Titanic – The final float.

The air was dense and cold, I could feel my hairs on my frozen and blue body standing up, trying to grow taller and thicker to keep my blood from freezing. The boat was rocking side to side as men were pulling on the ores. It seemed like they were machines, stuck in one motion, backwards and forwards, their hands were stuck to the frosted white ores, they were struggling for breath as the air continuously bit their bare skin.

I could hear the stranded people on the ship screaming for their lives. It was terrifying, there where sounds of steam and water gushing into the ship. There where sounds of sea gulls in the distance, they were like angels, guiding us to the golden shore. There where splashes of people jumping into the depths of the ocean, either to swim to a lifeboat off to end their life quickly...

The sky was growing darker and darker as the boat sunk into the icy waters, the lights where going out one by one, as the water submerged them, there where sudden bursts of bright light as the flares where being fired into the heavens, the flares where the dying angels, calling for help, the angels then fell from the sky into the sea, to where the other helpless people where, adults, children and babies… all floating around the ship.

There was a mother opposite in the boat I was in, in her arms she had a baby, about 4 months old, she was talking to her baby, trying to get a response, she moved her baby closer to her body to keep it warm, then the babies finger fell off, the baby was dead… the woman cried, she started to move about the small boat, pushing people off. She was going crazy, she pulled out one of the crew’s pistols and shot someone, then she threw the pistol at me, it hit me in my head and knocked me out…

[thehoodedsmack]

WTF at baby woman. There are also a bunch of grammar and speling mistakes. Other than that, it seems okay, I suppose.

[Anton]

..a few mistakes? Need a lot of work. I can actually see this turning out well if you would just put some time into one piece. There's a lot of simple things that could improve the structure and content too.

Nice start though. :)

[Malloy]

AHAHAAAaaaaaaa the babies fingers fell off, fuckin genious.

[Sel]

That hurts to read.

Seriously find someone to teach you some grammar 101. Your sentence form is shit too.

[Malloy]

oh yeh, careface about the grammar, you're failed at English. but that story should make them laugh so hard that they accidently sneeze an 'A' shaped grade on it.

[SnaFuBAR]

Certainly not college level writing. You write like you post on forums. :barf:

[Bad Waffle]

Snaf, he's only an average 16 year old, unlike us awesome people o/

anyway. JESUS. look up the definition of comma splice. Also make usage of the em dash to fix your clauses and clarify plus to add a different flavor of timing. Also, semicolon.



The air was dense and cold; I could feel my hairs on my frozen and blue body standing up, trying to grow taller and thicker to keep my blood from freezing. The boat was rocking side to side as men were pulling on the ores. It seemed like they were machines stuck in a motion of backwards and forwards--their hands stuck to the frosted white ores, mouths struggling for breath as the air continuously bit (nibbled, nipped at?) their bare skin.


A good exercise to practice these would be writing a 500+ word sentence. I got to 750 in one period at school and stopped--did that last year. I should look for that, it was great. Good exercise if you're as random as me.

If i were to write it, this is how it would turn out:



The chunky air felt like ice cubes bumping into my skin; my still pre-pubecent fuzz barrier failing to cope and instead sticking to my pale complexion. I pulled up the jacket cuff to my forearm--my ghost skin apparently complemented the equally ghastly spiderwork of struggling blue veins. I would have known i was smirking if i could still feel my facial muscles. I felt sick; i always had seasickness. I focused on the relaxing, repetitive grunts of the oresman.

It's said that only crazy people get calm from repetitive sounds. Maybe it's because they know its one less grunt away from death, escape. (thanks rob, har har)

Watching the men is a sad yet honestly intriguing sight; every man is equally rotten with frost thus slowing their movement down in perfect ratios--they all bend through their front-back motion relatively slowly, but in earnest. It's hard to imagine them as people and not things, their breath is the only thing separating their winter-soaked bodies from the brittle wood.


Notice the flow of events--and the addition of personal action. You have to realize that when you're writing this, you're not use SEEING things. you're supposed to BE there. How you wrote it is like watching it on TV--sound and sight. This is all being experienced by the narrator, not a nameless entity but a person.

E: too tired to fix capitalization and punctuation, so fuggit

[dg]

Learn to use commas.

Please.

[Hunter]

Certainly not college level writing. You write like you post on forums. :barf:

I suck at english, a bit of advice or encouragement would be nice, and i really doubt it would hurt. And I write the way I write on the forums? I used to ryt lyk this all of da tym.. u prefer dis or me writing like this?


That hurts to read.

Seriously find someone to teach you some grammar 101. Your sentence form is shit too.
Thanks for the support.


AHAHAAAaaaaaaa the babies fingers fell off, fuckin genious.

I am taking that out, it seems a bit sick, plus the ocean was not that cold.


That hurts to read.

Seriously find someone to teach you some grammar 101. Your sentence form is shit too.


Snaf, he's only an average 16 year old, unlike us awesome people o/

anyway. JESUS. look up the definition of comma splice. Also make usage of the em dash to fix your clauses and clarify plus to add a different flavor of timing. Also, semicolon.



A good exercise to practice these would be writing a 500+ word sentence. I got to 750 in one period at school and stopped--did that last year. I should look for that, it was great. Good exercise if you're as random as me.

If i were to write it, this is how it would turn out:



Notice the flow of events--and the addition of personal action. You have to realize that when you're writing this, you're not use SEEING things. you're supposed to BE there. How you wrote it is like watching it on TV--sound and sight. This is all being experienced by the narrator, not a nameless entity but a person.

E: too tired to fix capitalization and punctuation, so fuggit


That was really the only usfull post I saw, and are an expert on everything WoL? Because I am sure you could probobly right a full book by your self with skills like that. I actualy felt like I was there when reading it, mine just sucks... Lol.

I will re write it, although you should all take in mind that this is college not university... WoL's work is university or above level.

May as well lock this if I am just going to get crit of most people.

n i may as wel go bk 2 ma old rytin style cuz ppl r sayin ma grama suks in post, go to halomaps then re think that thought...

[Bad Waffle]

actually, if i was an expert, i wouldn't have used so many big words. I've just been raised in a family of english nerds--and lucky enough to had english teachers that i liked.

college and university is the same thing silly :v: i think you're talking 'undergrad' and 'grad school'

also, LEAVE THE FINGER FALLING OFF PART IN.

[nick3d]

Im doing that piece of coursework aswell lol
i might nick it lol, only joking but you shouldnt post your coursework on a forum, because if its being marked and the marker is marking it, if they dont thinki its original, then they will type it in on google then this site will come up then you will be automatically failed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
just thought id point it out because its stupid of you to post coursework on the internet!!

E:

The sky was growing darker and darker as the boat sunk into the icy waters,
it isnt a boat its a ship

E:
And also is this "A level english" or "GCSE Retake English" ??????

[Hunter]

GCSE Retake.

And the examiners don't use Google. They would also realise that this is my coursework on the forums. Or they would question it.

[nick3d]

yeah im doing the same, but you shouldnt post it on forums,
if i were you when youv finished it edit your message and delete your CW out of it ok, just to make sure you dont fail!

[Hunter]

Haha, it looks like I have failed in most people's opinions on here.

I am re doing it anyway...

[nick3d]

yeah i havent even started mine yet and i was supposed of done the 1st paragraph but i cba lol

[Hunter]

Same here Lol, Okay lets stop having an *Instant chat* conversation.