English Mobster
December 14th, 2008, 11:01 PM
Well... This story has been in development for quite some time now. It started as a Halo 1 machinma, before moving into Halo 3, and then it turned into a short long story. There are about 20 episodes so far, but I think I'll be combining multiple episodes into chapters, so there'll probably only be 10 chapters or so. I'll make a post in the thread and update this post as more chapters get posted. Anyway, here's the first couple chapters:
The Army of Idiots
CHAPTER I:
The Beginning
The attack had begun.
Stepping swiftly from the Pelicans they had just flown in on onto the beach, the marines got ready for their ground assault. Two armored jeeps, nicknamed “Warthogs” and driven by the best drivers in the unit, exited the Pelicans and waited for orders from their commander.
The enemy knew they were coming; no one for miles around could have missed the sound of their insertion Pelicans. Right about now, soldiers were running about, grabbing weapons or possibly just climbing out of their bunks.
The base they were launching an assault on was just an entry point into enemy territory. It was just an abandoned, decades-old power plant. It was the first major attempt at a viable wind-powered power generator. The idea was, instead of having many small-output miniature wind power generators, you could build just one, giant fan, powered mostly by the wind, but also using some nuclear reactors for power. Several years ago, this power generator was abandoned due to the lack of power generated; it wasn’t feasible. After years of neglect, it is now just a pile of ruins on a shark-infested beach, but, if taken, it could be the biggest stronghold they had as they marched off to victory.
The air was tense with the anticipation of battle. They had many of their best soldiers standing on the beach, waiting. There was no way the enemy could withstand their attack.
Unless... Unless the enemy, codenamed "blue", had their best soldier, the one who never lost a single battle.
Little did they know that soldier was stationed at this outpost.
He has killed millions, and once won a battle single-handedly, outnumbered 300 to one. They said that he ate bullets for breakfast, nails for lunch, and Chuck Norris for dinner. There was no stopping him once he started fighting. It was almost as if he had some sort of "health bar" they didn't, because it seemed that he could take dozens of bullets without dying, then simply duck behind a piece of scenery for a few seconds and come back out as if he had just stopped to tie his shoes. His movements were so fluid, it's almost as if he had some sort of device that could control his movements from afar, a "controller" of sorts, and the operator was somewhere far, far away, watching from a TV screen in his living room. Some said he had leet hacks, granting him superhuman abilities. The rest looked at those some funny and slowly backed away, because there was no leet hacks in real life, those were only found in videogames. And even if there were leet hacks in real life, you'd have to hack your life console to get them, and that voided the warranty, which no one wanted, because what if your life console broke? You'd have to send it back to God, and he'd tell you that he can't fix it because you voided the warranty. The only one he ever fixed a life console for was for his best buddy, some guy named "Jesus" or something. Fag. Fix it for the rest of us, too, don't play favorites because he's your BFF or boyfriend or something. Anyway, while some rumored that that soldier used leet hacks, obviously, he couldn't, or else he would void his warranty, and God would bring down the banhammer on him faster than you could say OMFG YOU HAXOR!!!!1111one.
Unfortunately, Blue team's one awesome soldier of awesomeness was currently on vacation.
His replacement, named Bob Guy, was a noteworthy one. He had skills that were unbelievable. He was so good that... Pfft- That... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Who are we kidding? He is the worst shot in history.
As the other team got ready for their assault, Bob was ready for action. He looked around, as if searching for something, like a voice in the room that didn't have a person to match it. And it was talking about him, in a very narrator-ish tone.
"COMMANDER! THE VOICES IN THE SKY ARE TALKING TO ME AGAIN!" Bob said.
His commander, supervising troops in the dark grey command center of the power facility as they prepared for combat, replied, "Just ignore them, Bob, and they'll go away."
"Ok. Mr. Voice, can you go bother someone else?" Bob asked.
There was silence, as the narrator voice didn't have a reply. He simply narrated what was going on around him; there was no going away for him.
"Commander! The voice says he doesn't have a reply, then said that he wasn‘t going to go away!"
The commander yelled from the other room, "Bob. Ignore it. It'll go away soon."
After saying this, Bob’s commander whispered something into the ear of one of the soldiers, and then walked over to speak to Bob.
"We're losing men, fast. I would send you out there, but you have... Special needs."
"That's what my mommy told me!" Bob said, a bright and vibrant smile on his face.
The commander paused. "We need you, though."
"Need me for what?"
"We need you to stay the hell out of everyone's wa-” The commander started, then rethought what he was about to say.
“I mean, we need you to watch the base,” the commander said. “I'm going to have to go out there. I have to leave you in charge of the base, but whatever you do, do NOT hit that button right next to you."
Bob looked around for the button, and then found it next to a large display, which was, in turn, next to him. The display, formerly used to monitor the power the generator put out, now had been reprogrammed to operate everything in the base. There was a red button with an extra-large sticky note on it. Above the button, it read: “CAUTION: SELF-DESTRUCT”.
"The red one with the BIG sticky note which reads 'DO NOT PRESS THIS, BOB' written on it?" Bob inquired.
"Yes, that one. Do you understand?"
"Yep!"
"I need you to repeat what I said, Bob. What did I say?"
"I need you to repeat what I said, Bob, what did I-"
"NO, NO, NOT that!"
"NO, NO, NOT that!"
"Repeat what I said the first time."
"Repeat what I said the first time."
"Repeat this: NEVER hit that button next to you."
"NEVER hit french toast before bed."
The commander paused and sighed. He wasn’t going to get anywhere with Bob this way.
"Umm... Yeah. Let's go with that. I'm going to back away slowly, and you're NOT going to hit that button."
"OK!"
And, with that, the commander slowly backed off and left Bob alone.
Bob's tiny mind struggled with the difficult order his commander had given him.
"Never hit french toast before bed?" He said to himself, "I can do that. Ooooh... What's this shiny red button thingy? Do... Nut... Press... This... Bob... Donut press this Bob? IF I HIT THIS, I GET A DONUT? Sweet."
And, with that, Bob pressed the button. Suddenly, he remembered the first lesson his mom taught him: Pressing shiny red buttons in the hope of getting a donut was bad. VERY bad.
"I didn't hit the button," he said, trying to reassure himself. "My finger did."
Just then, a sultry female voice echoed through the halls, coming over the loudspeakers. It had just a slight metallic tinge to it, enough to remind you that there was not actually any girls present in the facility and that this was just a computer talking.
"This base will self-destruct in 60 seconds. Free coffee is available in the command center if needed. Have a spectacular day."
"That lady is very nice," Bob said, "she wants me to have a spectacular day! HAVE A SPECTACULAR DAY, TOO, NICE LADY!"
Bob then calmly left through the main entrance and casually strolled past the intense firefight that was occurring between his team and the enemy. Both teams were pinned down in a side generator structure, in ruins now, which used to be used as a place to temporarily store the windmill’s power before funneling it to the main structure, the place where Bob had just hit a shiny red button.
"See ya later, Commander!" Bob said, casually strolling past the battle.
The commander turned, saw Bob, and waved. "Bye, Bob! Wait... Bob! I need you! Come back!"
Bob stopped and paused.
"I think it's very sweet that you feel that way towards me, but I prefer my relations with women."
"Bob! Come back! This is insubordination!"
"I really don't care about the 'in' status of whatever the hell subordination is, but I do agree, that 'subordination' outfit looks very good on you."
And, with that, Bob hopped in one of the now-empty enemy jeeps and drove off.
Surprisingly, no one shot at Bob, possibly because half of the other team had died of laughter, and the other half couldn't stop laughing long enough to hold their guns steady. Blue team was about to make short work of them when C4, buried in strategic locations around the building, if by strategic you mean that people decided to stuff it everywhere it could fit, went off on a timed explosion set off by a red button sixty seconds beforehand.
The only survivor was Bob, driving casually out of the explosion, going off to visit his old friend Ian in the next camp. He was stopped by military police, who wondered why the first thing he asked is where were the donuts he was promised. After they learned what he had done, they decided to take him off to the general of the area, but almost decided to shoot him anyway because he wouldn't stop asking if they were there yet.
A short while later, Bob was in a bright white room. Most of the lights were off, except for one very bright one shining down on Bob, who was sitting Indian-style on the ground in front of the highest-ranking official of the area.
"...You were responsible for the loss of ALL OF B COMPANY!" The general said.
"I wasn't. My finger was."
The general was, at first, taken aback by this comment. Who in the right mind would backtalk like that to a general? Then he realized he was talking to an idiot.
“I cannot let this go unpunished. I am going to send you to noob- Err... N company."
"Will I be able to meet some new friends?"
The commander paused. "Yes, yes you will."
Bob‘s eyes suddenly lit up. "Awesome! Will I get a mouse? I‘ve always wanted one! Can I get one, please? A widdle white one! It‘ll be sooo cute, and I‘ll play with it every day, and give it all the cheese it will ever want! So, can I get one, pleaaaase?"
“No."
"Can I get a cute widdle pony then?"
"No."
"Pweaaaase?"
"No."
"Just one widdle white mouse? I'll name him Mister Squeaky, and he will be MY MISTER SQUEAKY, forever and ever and ever!"
"No. Take him away."
"Take who away?"
Suddenly, two uniformed guards burst through the door, picked up Bob, and carried him off. As he went down the hallway to the van that was waiting to carry him off to his new desert outpost, he could be heard shouting, "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
They called it Loser Canyon for a reason. There were two bases; each had been taken by a small company for each team. This is where each team set their rejects, as the territory didn‘t really matter anyway.
Coincidentally, both companies were called “N” company, and the same joke was going around both teams that the “N” stood for noob. Secretly, the N really DID stand for noob, but the official statement issued by each team’s command center said it was just an unfortunate naming coincidence, and not, by any means, a name that implied the very low skill level of whoever was unfortunate enough to be sent to the company. The only people who actually believed this statement were the people of N company.
The blues had managed to secure one of the two bases in the canyon, the other team, codenamed "Red", the other. Each base existed because there was a base on the other side of the canyon. It was a box canyon in the middle of nowhere; no one cared if the other team actually ever CAPTURED the other base. It was just a place to send their rejects.
And the Blue's commander, Commander Pie, was just another reject. He worked his way up the ranks by proving his worth in the simulators. But, when he was called upon to fight, he always lost, with most, if not all of his team, wiped out in a “Unfortunate grenade incident” or “Unfortunate bullet wounds” or “Unfortunate jeep crash where the jeep the Commander was driving drove most of the company off the edge of a 500 foot cliff, barely escaping his death by bailing out”. The Commander had never won an actual battle in his life. But, even when he was demoted, he still tried to order people around. So they promoted him back to Commander and sent him to command N company. And the commander was about to get the new recruit Command had been promising him.
Pie stood outside his base, watching as a military jeep drove up, threw Bob out by the seat of his pants, and then drove off. Pie extended his hand.
"Hello Bob, welcome to N company."
Bob looked at his hand, confused. "What does the N stand for?"
Pie kept his hand extended, waiting. "Don't ask."
Finally, Bob spit on Pie‘s hand and looked up at Pie, satisfied. "Don't Ask doesn't start with N."
Pie stared at his hand, and then dried it off on his pants. "It's not 'Don't Ask'."
"Then what is it?"
"OK, it's a French word, pronounced 'Nub'. Most people go and say 'Noob', but that's butchering the name. Completely butchering it."
"You sure that's French?"
"Of course I'm sure! I was at the top of the bottom of my class in French! Bon-jor Mouse-your! That's French."
"French for what?"
"I don't really know."
Bob got a vacant look on his face, and then said with an air of gloating about him, "I learned something today."
Pie took Bob to the main room of the base. It was brightly lit, with standard-issue military-cliché grey plating on the floors, with concrete walls and ceiling. In one corner was an obviously smart man, in his late twenties or maybe early thirties, who was playing with a small metal replica of an F-16. You never were too old to play with toys.
In the other corner was someone who looked like a bum. Somehow, he managed to tear up his barely-worn dress uniform, and he looked as if he hadn't shaved his entire life. Maybe he was afraid to.
Pie lead Bob in and started to make with the introductions.
"Anyway, here are your squad-mates. This here is Kyle Andross. We call him 'Flyboy' or 'Fly', mainly because he meant to check the 'Air Force' box when he signed up for the Army, but he checked 'Marines' by accident."
"Hey Fly."
"Hey."
Pie continued: "Next, we have Joe. Joe was a Hobo who was drafted. Since he always insists on wearing ripped clothes EVERYWHERE, we call him Torn."
"How are ya, Torn?"
"Well, I'm-" Torn started.
Bob cut him off. "That's nice."
"And finally, we have me, Apple Pie, Commander of the finest company in this god-forsaken canyon."
"Your name is Apple Pie?" Bob asked.
"It's an Irish name."
"It is?"
"No. I had two idiot parents who thought they were being funny."
"Oh."
"Anyway, everyone, off to your posts! Flyboy, go draw up attack plans. Torn, guard the entryway from the reds. Bob... Umm... Protect Flyboy. I'll be in my cabin reading the articles from Playboy magazine. Don't disturb me."
Pie walked off to his cabin, and everyone went about to do their duties. As he went, Flyboy shook his head and muttered under his breath, "Nobody ever reads the articles..."
CHAPTER II:
That Part That Comes After the Beginning
Flyboy sat at his desk, the pencil furiously flying across his paper. Bob, who was at attention behind him, finally couldn't stand being a silent guardian anymore.
"Whatcha doing Fly?"
"Drawing up plans to go capture the red's flag."
"Someone on the Red team has a fag?"
"No, the Flag. We want it."
"Why do we want a fag? Unless... Flyboy... No..." Bob had a stunned look on his face. "You're not gay, right? Because I thought my last Commander was straight, but a comment he made to me right as I was leaving revealed his true feelings for me and made me HIGHLY uncomfortable."
"I'm straight. Sometimes, I steal Pie's Playboy magazines and do things while looking at them."
"Oh. So why do you want to kidnap the red team's fag?"
"THE FLAG."
"Oh, the flag." There was a pause, a moment of silence where you could hear a pin drop, or a Zombie apocalypse virus spreading, or maybe even the distant thunderclap of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then Bob went on: "What flag?"
Flyboy turned his IKEA office chair around to point at a large tattered blue flag, emblazoned with a giant "N".
"See this flag? Torn used it as a blanket for a little bit, but the reds have one just like it. We want to capture that Red flag and take it back here."
"If they have one just like it, why do we need it?"
"Because... Well... IT'S THE FLAG!"
"But we already have one."
"It's a sign we captured their base or something. If we get it, then they have to surrender. That's the way it works."
"What if they don't surrender?"
Flyboy let out a frustrated sigh. "Go bother Torn or something."
Across the box canyon, in the red base, the red team's commander, Nate, is fixing an ATV. There was a mouse that got caught up in the suspension, but he hadn't figured that out yet. He had a companion, George "Ducky" Montague, who earned his nickname when he was in basic training by refusing to get out of the pool unless he was ordered to several times. Not surprisingly, the first place he was sent was here, to red team's "N" Company. Inside the red base were the other two members of "N" company: Puma and Cake. Puma's real name was Pu Ma. He was a Chinese immigrant. Cake's real name was Vanilla Cake. He was Pie's cousin, and both their twin mothers had a sad sense of humor.
"Nate, can I drive now?"
"No."
"Now?"
"No."
"What about now?"
"NO."
"Now?"
"Ducky, if you ask ONE more time, I will get that Rocket Launcher we have in the base, and I will fire it at point-blank range at your face."
"What if I duck and you miss your shot?"
"It has 2 shots in it."
"But you'll kill yourself."
"You'll die, too, so it'll be worth it."
"What will Puma and Cake do?"
"The exact same thing they're doing now. What are they doing now?"
Ducky tilted back a little bit so he could see inside the base, which had pretty much the exact same style as the blue base, except with a few more red colored lights.
"Doing a pole dance with the flag." Ducky replied.
"WHAT?"
A smile slowly started to creep onto Ducky's face, but he managed to stifle it before it became too noticeable. "I think they're running a strip club."
Nate got out from under the ATV and stormed off towards the base. "Alright, I'm going in there to stop this."
After he was inside finding out that there was no pole dancing going on, Ducky crept over to the ATV and started it up.
"YAY!"
And, with that, Ducky went on a joyride across the canyon.
Nate came back out of the base, angry as to why the other members of the team lied to him, saying that they weren't doing anything like that, when he trusted Ducky's word enough to know they were. Actually, he didn't trust Ducky at all, he just wanted an excuse to give them punishment.
"No they aren't. Ducky? Ducky? Where'd you go? Oh well, time to get back to working on the..." Nate then realized what Ducky's true motives were. What he didn't realize is that because of Ducky's actions, there was now one more mouse in heaven. "DUCKY!!"
Nate went inside to grab their experimental laser-type weapon, the Anti-Vehicle Model 6 Grindell/Galilean Nonlinear Rifle, as it said in the instructions which had come with it. He had been meaning to test their new weapon, which he affectionately called the "Laser Beam". He had named it himself, and was quite proud of the very original name he had come up for it.
He set the sights on one of his marines, riding around the canyon, humming the song "William Tell" while going on a joyride with his new ATV. He couldn't figure out why the squeaking had stopped though; maybe Nate fixed it. He was sad, because he was getting attached to the little squeaky noise, it was almost like getting the pet mouse he always wanted, except you can't really take care of or play with a noise like you can a mouse.
"This'll teach him to mess with me..." Nate said, as he slowly charged up the battery in his laser. "Hey, Ducky! IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER!"
At this obscure internet reference, Ducky perked up. Then he saw a little patch of flowers next to him.
"OH LOOK! A FLOWER!" Ducky rushed off his ATV and ran to the flower garden. As he did so, Nate let out a cry of "SHOOP DA WHOOP!" and a laser fired across the canyon, destroying the ATV and leaving a scorching mark on the ground.
"OH MY GOD!" Ducky cried, "A BUNNY!" Then, oblivious to the destroyed and smoldering hulk of what was formerly a military ATV, he ran over to play with a little white bunny rabbit hopping around on the other side of the ATV. And oh, how much fun they had for the thirty seconds they knew each other! That bunny was Ducky's new best friend, the companion he always wished he had. That is, until Nate fired another shot, narrowly missing Ducky, but hitting his poor, poor little white companion, killing it instantly.
"NOOOOOOOO! MR. BUBBLES!" Ducky lamented for the loss of his friend, and he immediately ran off crying towards red base. Nate, out of battery for his laser, decided to go back inside to put it on the charger.
As Ducky ran towards red base, he ran into Bob, who was taking a brisk jog around the canyon, which he was told would build his muscles, but was really jus to leave everyone alone.
"Hey Ducky! Long time, no see!" Bob said.
"Oh, hey Bob. I lost my best friend today to a superheated laser shot."
"Sorry to hear that. That's how I lost my pet turtle. Poor, poor Speedy." A tear formed in Bob's eye. "Anyway, before I start to break down and cry, any plans coming up?"
"Yeah, my teammates are going to take a fag somewhere."
"Whoa, that sounds awesome!"
"Yeah... But I'm a little homophobic. No real reason for it... Its just they creep me out. Except the lesbians. God, I hope that by fag, they mean a lesbian. A HOT lesbian. That would be SO AWESOME. Except you know they'll never have any attraction to you, so it's pointless to even try, but they're hot anyway. Unless they have a unibrow. Or if their fat."
"Yeah. Anyway, I got to go, see ya later, Ducky!"
Pie was on guard duty outside the base when Bob ran up to him.
Bob, slightly out of breath from a brisk jog around the canyon (Under Pie's orders, of course), said, "Pie! I heard the reds say that they're taking a fag somewhere!"
"What? And why aren't you leaving all of us alon- I mean, going for a nice jog?"
"I said, the reds are going to take a fag somewhere! And I got tired of jogging, it's exercise! I don't like exercise."
"So the reds are going to take a fag somewhere. Riiight. How about you go ask them? If they let you live, maybe we can follow them."
"Wow, that sounds like a great idea!"
"I think so too, Bob. I think so, too."
Nate had a feeling he was going to have an unexpected visitor. He didn't know why; he just KNEW. Which is why his initial reaction wasn't to fire the shotgun he was holding when a stranger in the blue's armor walked up to him.
"Hey, where are you guys taking the fag?" Bob asked.
"The what?"
"The fag."
"We have a fag?" Immediately, thoughts of his worst fears confirmed went through his head: He was trapped in a base full of gay guys. Then he realized that the reason this stranger was in the blue's armor was because he was on blue. He thought about shooting him... But that was too easy. "But I DO know that we'll be in Sniper Country soon."
"Oh, thanks."
"No problem." Nate said, watching as Private Bob Guy left across the box canyon, going off to tell Pie of his news. “Idiot.”
The Army of Idiots
CHAPTER I:
The Beginning
The attack had begun.
Stepping swiftly from the Pelicans they had just flown in on onto the beach, the marines got ready for their ground assault. Two armored jeeps, nicknamed “Warthogs” and driven by the best drivers in the unit, exited the Pelicans and waited for orders from their commander.
The enemy knew they were coming; no one for miles around could have missed the sound of their insertion Pelicans. Right about now, soldiers were running about, grabbing weapons or possibly just climbing out of their bunks.
The base they were launching an assault on was just an entry point into enemy territory. It was just an abandoned, decades-old power plant. It was the first major attempt at a viable wind-powered power generator. The idea was, instead of having many small-output miniature wind power generators, you could build just one, giant fan, powered mostly by the wind, but also using some nuclear reactors for power. Several years ago, this power generator was abandoned due to the lack of power generated; it wasn’t feasible. After years of neglect, it is now just a pile of ruins on a shark-infested beach, but, if taken, it could be the biggest stronghold they had as they marched off to victory.
The air was tense with the anticipation of battle. They had many of their best soldiers standing on the beach, waiting. There was no way the enemy could withstand their attack.
Unless... Unless the enemy, codenamed "blue", had their best soldier, the one who never lost a single battle.
Little did they know that soldier was stationed at this outpost.
He has killed millions, and once won a battle single-handedly, outnumbered 300 to one. They said that he ate bullets for breakfast, nails for lunch, and Chuck Norris for dinner. There was no stopping him once he started fighting. It was almost as if he had some sort of "health bar" they didn't, because it seemed that he could take dozens of bullets without dying, then simply duck behind a piece of scenery for a few seconds and come back out as if he had just stopped to tie his shoes. His movements were so fluid, it's almost as if he had some sort of device that could control his movements from afar, a "controller" of sorts, and the operator was somewhere far, far away, watching from a TV screen in his living room. Some said he had leet hacks, granting him superhuman abilities. The rest looked at those some funny and slowly backed away, because there was no leet hacks in real life, those were only found in videogames. And even if there were leet hacks in real life, you'd have to hack your life console to get them, and that voided the warranty, which no one wanted, because what if your life console broke? You'd have to send it back to God, and he'd tell you that he can't fix it because you voided the warranty. The only one he ever fixed a life console for was for his best buddy, some guy named "Jesus" or something. Fag. Fix it for the rest of us, too, don't play favorites because he's your BFF or boyfriend or something. Anyway, while some rumored that that soldier used leet hacks, obviously, he couldn't, or else he would void his warranty, and God would bring down the banhammer on him faster than you could say OMFG YOU HAXOR!!!!1111one.
Unfortunately, Blue team's one awesome soldier of awesomeness was currently on vacation.
His replacement, named Bob Guy, was a noteworthy one. He had skills that were unbelievable. He was so good that... Pfft- That... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Who are we kidding? He is the worst shot in history.
As the other team got ready for their assault, Bob was ready for action. He looked around, as if searching for something, like a voice in the room that didn't have a person to match it. And it was talking about him, in a very narrator-ish tone.
"COMMANDER! THE VOICES IN THE SKY ARE TALKING TO ME AGAIN!" Bob said.
His commander, supervising troops in the dark grey command center of the power facility as they prepared for combat, replied, "Just ignore them, Bob, and they'll go away."
"Ok. Mr. Voice, can you go bother someone else?" Bob asked.
There was silence, as the narrator voice didn't have a reply. He simply narrated what was going on around him; there was no going away for him.
"Commander! The voice says he doesn't have a reply, then said that he wasn‘t going to go away!"
The commander yelled from the other room, "Bob. Ignore it. It'll go away soon."
After saying this, Bob’s commander whispered something into the ear of one of the soldiers, and then walked over to speak to Bob.
"We're losing men, fast. I would send you out there, but you have... Special needs."
"That's what my mommy told me!" Bob said, a bright and vibrant smile on his face.
The commander paused. "We need you, though."
"Need me for what?"
"We need you to stay the hell out of everyone's wa-” The commander started, then rethought what he was about to say.
“I mean, we need you to watch the base,” the commander said. “I'm going to have to go out there. I have to leave you in charge of the base, but whatever you do, do NOT hit that button right next to you."
Bob looked around for the button, and then found it next to a large display, which was, in turn, next to him. The display, formerly used to monitor the power the generator put out, now had been reprogrammed to operate everything in the base. There was a red button with an extra-large sticky note on it. Above the button, it read: “CAUTION: SELF-DESTRUCT”.
"The red one with the BIG sticky note which reads 'DO NOT PRESS THIS, BOB' written on it?" Bob inquired.
"Yes, that one. Do you understand?"
"Yep!"
"I need you to repeat what I said, Bob. What did I say?"
"I need you to repeat what I said, Bob, what did I-"
"NO, NO, NOT that!"
"NO, NO, NOT that!"
"Repeat what I said the first time."
"Repeat what I said the first time."
"Repeat this: NEVER hit that button next to you."
"NEVER hit french toast before bed."
The commander paused and sighed. He wasn’t going to get anywhere with Bob this way.
"Umm... Yeah. Let's go with that. I'm going to back away slowly, and you're NOT going to hit that button."
"OK!"
And, with that, the commander slowly backed off and left Bob alone.
Bob's tiny mind struggled with the difficult order his commander had given him.
"Never hit french toast before bed?" He said to himself, "I can do that. Ooooh... What's this shiny red button thingy? Do... Nut... Press... This... Bob... Donut press this Bob? IF I HIT THIS, I GET A DONUT? Sweet."
And, with that, Bob pressed the button. Suddenly, he remembered the first lesson his mom taught him: Pressing shiny red buttons in the hope of getting a donut was bad. VERY bad.
"I didn't hit the button," he said, trying to reassure himself. "My finger did."
Just then, a sultry female voice echoed through the halls, coming over the loudspeakers. It had just a slight metallic tinge to it, enough to remind you that there was not actually any girls present in the facility and that this was just a computer talking.
"This base will self-destruct in 60 seconds. Free coffee is available in the command center if needed. Have a spectacular day."
"That lady is very nice," Bob said, "she wants me to have a spectacular day! HAVE A SPECTACULAR DAY, TOO, NICE LADY!"
Bob then calmly left through the main entrance and casually strolled past the intense firefight that was occurring between his team and the enemy. Both teams were pinned down in a side generator structure, in ruins now, which used to be used as a place to temporarily store the windmill’s power before funneling it to the main structure, the place where Bob had just hit a shiny red button.
"See ya later, Commander!" Bob said, casually strolling past the battle.
The commander turned, saw Bob, and waved. "Bye, Bob! Wait... Bob! I need you! Come back!"
Bob stopped and paused.
"I think it's very sweet that you feel that way towards me, but I prefer my relations with women."
"Bob! Come back! This is insubordination!"
"I really don't care about the 'in' status of whatever the hell subordination is, but I do agree, that 'subordination' outfit looks very good on you."
And, with that, Bob hopped in one of the now-empty enemy jeeps and drove off.
Surprisingly, no one shot at Bob, possibly because half of the other team had died of laughter, and the other half couldn't stop laughing long enough to hold their guns steady. Blue team was about to make short work of them when C4, buried in strategic locations around the building, if by strategic you mean that people decided to stuff it everywhere it could fit, went off on a timed explosion set off by a red button sixty seconds beforehand.
The only survivor was Bob, driving casually out of the explosion, going off to visit his old friend Ian in the next camp. He was stopped by military police, who wondered why the first thing he asked is where were the donuts he was promised. After they learned what he had done, they decided to take him off to the general of the area, but almost decided to shoot him anyway because he wouldn't stop asking if they were there yet.
A short while later, Bob was in a bright white room. Most of the lights were off, except for one very bright one shining down on Bob, who was sitting Indian-style on the ground in front of the highest-ranking official of the area.
"...You were responsible for the loss of ALL OF B COMPANY!" The general said.
"I wasn't. My finger was."
The general was, at first, taken aback by this comment. Who in the right mind would backtalk like that to a general? Then he realized he was talking to an idiot.
“I cannot let this go unpunished. I am going to send you to noob- Err... N company."
"Will I be able to meet some new friends?"
The commander paused. "Yes, yes you will."
Bob‘s eyes suddenly lit up. "Awesome! Will I get a mouse? I‘ve always wanted one! Can I get one, please? A widdle white one! It‘ll be sooo cute, and I‘ll play with it every day, and give it all the cheese it will ever want! So, can I get one, pleaaaase?"
“No."
"Can I get a cute widdle pony then?"
"No."
"Pweaaaase?"
"No."
"Just one widdle white mouse? I'll name him Mister Squeaky, and he will be MY MISTER SQUEAKY, forever and ever and ever!"
"No. Take him away."
"Take who away?"
Suddenly, two uniformed guards burst through the door, picked up Bob, and carried him off. As he went down the hallway to the van that was waiting to carry him off to his new desert outpost, he could be heard shouting, "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
They called it Loser Canyon for a reason. There were two bases; each had been taken by a small company for each team. This is where each team set their rejects, as the territory didn‘t really matter anyway.
Coincidentally, both companies were called “N” company, and the same joke was going around both teams that the “N” stood for noob. Secretly, the N really DID stand for noob, but the official statement issued by each team’s command center said it was just an unfortunate naming coincidence, and not, by any means, a name that implied the very low skill level of whoever was unfortunate enough to be sent to the company. The only people who actually believed this statement were the people of N company.
The blues had managed to secure one of the two bases in the canyon, the other team, codenamed "Red", the other. Each base existed because there was a base on the other side of the canyon. It was a box canyon in the middle of nowhere; no one cared if the other team actually ever CAPTURED the other base. It was just a place to send their rejects.
And the Blue's commander, Commander Pie, was just another reject. He worked his way up the ranks by proving his worth in the simulators. But, when he was called upon to fight, he always lost, with most, if not all of his team, wiped out in a “Unfortunate grenade incident” or “Unfortunate bullet wounds” or “Unfortunate jeep crash where the jeep the Commander was driving drove most of the company off the edge of a 500 foot cliff, barely escaping his death by bailing out”. The Commander had never won an actual battle in his life. But, even when he was demoted, he still tried to order people around. So they promoted him back to Commander and sent him to command N company. And the commander was about to get the new recruit Command had been promising him.
Pie stood outside his base, watching as a military jeep drove up, threw Bob out by the seat of his pants, and then drove off. Pie extended his hand.
"Hello Bob, welcome to N company."
Bob looked at his hand, confused. "What does the N stand for?"
Pie kept his hand extended, waiting. "Don't ask."
Finally, Bob spit on Pie‘s hand and looked up at Pie, satisfied. "Don't Ask doesn't start with N."
Pie stared at his hand, and then dried it off on his pants. "It's not 'Don't Ask'."
"Then what is it?"
"OK, it's a French word, pronounced 'Nub'. Most people go and say 'Noob', but that's butchering the name. Completely butchering it."
"You sure that's French?"
"Of course I'm sure! I was at the top of the bottom of my class in French! Bon-jor Mouse-your! That's French."
"French for what?"
"I don't really know."
Bob got a vacant look on his face, and then said with an air of gloating about him, "I learned something today."
Pie took Bob to the main room of the base. It was brightly lit, with standard-issue military-cliché grey plating on the floors, with concrete walls and ceiling. In one corner was an obviously smart man, in his late twenties or maybe early thirties, who was playing with a small metal replica of an F-16. You never were too old to play with toys.
In the other corner was someone who looked like a bum. Somehow, he managed to tear up his barely-worn dress uniform, and he looked as if he hadn't shaved his entire life. Maybe he was afraid to.
Pie lead Bob in and started to make with the introductions.
"Anyway, here are your squad-mates. This here is Kyle Andross. We call him 'Flyboy' or 'Fly', mainly because he meant to check the 'Air Force' box when he signed up for the Army, but he checked 'Marines' by accident."
"Hey Fly."
"Hey."
Pie continued: "Next, we have Joe. Joe was a Hobo who was drafted. Since he always insists on wearing ripped clothes EVERYWHERE, we call him Torn."
"How are ya, Torn?"
"Well, I'm-" Torn started.
Bob cut him off. "That's nice."
"And finally, we have me, Apple Pie, Commander of the finest company in this god-forsaken canyon."
"Your name is Apple Pie?" Bob asked.
"It's an Irish name."
"It is?"
"No. I had two idiot parents who thought they were being funny."
"Oh."
"Anyway, everyone, off to your posts! Flyboy, go draw up attack plans. Torn, guard the entryway from the reds. Bob... Umm... Protect Flyboy. I'll be in my cabin reading the articles from Playboy magazine. Don't disturb me."
Pie walked off to his cabin, and everyone went about to do their duties. As he went, Flyboy shook his head and muttered under his breath, "Nobody ever reads the articles..."
CHAPTER II:
That Part That Comes After the Beginning
Flyboy sat at his desk, the pencil furiously flying across his paper. Bob, who was at attention behind him, finally couldn't stand being a silent guardian anymore.
"Whatcha doing Fly?"
"Drawing up plans to go capture the red's flag."
"Someone on the Red team has a fag?"
"No, the Flag. We want it."
"Why do we want a fag? Unless... Flyboy... No..." Bob had a stunned look on his face. "You're not gay, right? Because I thought my last Commander was straight, but a comment he made to me right as I was leaving revealed his true feelings for me and made me HIGHLY uncomfortable."
"I'm straight. Sometimes, I steal Pie's Playboy magazines and do things while looking at them."
"Oh. So why do you want to kidnap the red team's fag?"
"THE FLAG."
"Oh, the flag." There was a pause, a moment of silence where you could hear a pin drop, or a Zombie apocalypse virus spreading, or maybe even the distant thunderclap of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then Bob went on: "What flag?"
Flyboy turned his IKEA office chair around to point at a large tattered blue flag, emblazoned with a giant "N".
"See this flag? Torn used it as a blanket for a little bit, but the reds have one just like it. We want to capture that Red flag and take it back here."
"If they have one just like it, why do we need it?"
"Because... Well... IT'S THE FLAG!"
"But we already have one."
"It's a sign we captured their base or something. If we get it, then they have to surrender. That's the way it works."
"What if they don't surrender?"
Flyboy let out a frustrated sigh. "Go bother Torn or something."
Across the box canyon, in the red base, the red team's commander, Nate, is fixing an ATV. There was a mouse that got caught up in the suspension, but he hadn't figured that out yet. He had a companion, George "Ducky" Montague, who earned his nickname when he was in basic training by refusing to get out of the pool unless he was ordered to several times. Not surprisingly, the first place he was sent was here, to red team's "N" Company. Inside the red base were the other two members of "N" company: Puma and Cake. Puma's real name was Pu Ma. He was a Chinese immigrant. Cake's real name was Vanilla Cake. He was Pie's cousin, and both their twin mothers had a sad sense of humor.
"Nate, can I drive now?"
"No."
"Now?"
"No."
"What about now?"
"NO."
"Now?"
"Ducky, if you ask ONE more time, I will get that Rocket Launcher we have in the base, and I will fire it at point-blank range at your face."
"What if I duck and you miss your shot?"
"It has 2 shots in it."
"But you'll kill yourself."
"You'll die, too, so it'll be worth it."
"What will Puma and Cake do?"
"The exact same thing they're doing now. What are they doing now?"
Ducky tilted back a little bit so he could see inside the base, which had pretty much the exact same style as the blue base, except with a few more red colored lights.
"Doing a pole dance with the flag." Ducky replied.
"WHAT?"
A smile slowly started to creep onto Ducky's face, but he managed to stifle it before it became too noticeable. "I think they're running a strip club."
Nate got out from under the ATV and stormed off towards the base. "Alright, I'm going in there to stop this."
After he was inside finding out that there was no pole dancing going on, Ducky crept over to the ATV and started it up.
"YAY!"
And, with that, Ducky went on a joyride across the canyon.
Nate came back out of the base, angry as to why the other members of the team lied to him, saying that they weren't doing anything like that, when he trusted Ducky's word enough to know they were. Actually, he didn't trust Ducky at all, he just wanted an excuse to give them punishment.
"No they aren't. Ducky? Ducky? Where'd you go? Oh well, time to get back to working on the..." Nate then realized what Ducky's true motives were. What he didn't realize is that because of Ducky's actions, there was now one more mouse in heaven. "DUCKY!!"
Nate went inside to grab their experimental laser-type weapon, the Anti-Vehicle Model 6 Grindell/Galilean Nonlinear Rifle, as it said in the instructions which had come with it. He had been meaning to test their new weapon, which he affectionately called the "Laser Beam". He had named it himself, and was quite proud of the very original name he had come up for it.
He set the sights on one of his marines, riding around the canyon, humming the song "William Tell" while going on a joyride with his new ATV. He couldn't figure out why the squeaking had stopped though; maybe Nate fixed it. He was sad, because he was getting attached to the little squeaky noise, it was almost like getting the pet mouse he always wanted, except you can't really take care of or play with a noise like you can a mouse.
"This'll teach him to mess with me..." Nate said, as he slowly charged up the battery in his laser. "Hey, Ducky! IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER!"
At this obscure internet reference, Ducky perked up. Then he saw a little patch of flowers next to him.
"OH LOOK! A FLOWER!" Ducky rushed off his ATV and ran to the flower garden. As he did so, Nate let out a cry of "SHOOP DA WHOOP!" and a laser fired across the canyon, destroying the ATV and leaving a scorching mark on the ground.
"OH MY GOD!" Ducky cried, "A BUNNY!" Then, oblivious to the destroyed and smoldering hulk of what was formerly a military ATV, he ran over to play with a little white bunny rabbit hopping around on the other side of the ATV. And oh, how much fun they had for the thirty seconds they knew each other! That bunny was Ducky's new best friend, the companion he always wished he had. That is, until Nate fired another shot, narrowly missing Ducky, but hitting his poor, poor little white companion, killing it instantly.
"NOOOOOOOO! MR. BUBBLES!" Ducky lamented for the loss of his friend, and he immediately ran off crying towards red base. Nate, out of battery for his laser, decided to go back inside to put it on the charger.
As Ducky ran towards red base, he ran into Bob, who was taking a brisk jog around the canyon, which he was told would build his muscles, but was really jus to leave everyone alone.
"Hey Ducky! Long time, no see!" Bob said.
"Oh, hey Bob. I lost my best friend today to a superheated laser shot."
"Sorry to hear that. That's how I lost my pet turtle. Poor, poor Speedy." A tear formed in Bob's eye. "Anyway, before I start to break down and cry, any plans coming up?"
"Yeah, my teammates are going to take a fag somewhere."
"Whoa, that sounds awesome!"
"Yeah... But I'm a little homophobic. No real reason for it... Its just they creep me out. Except the lesbians. God, I hope that by fag, they mean a lesbian. A HOT lesbian. That would be SO AWESOME. Except you know they'll never have any attraction to you, so it's pointless to even try, but they're hot anyway. Unless they have a unibrow. Or if their fat."
"Yeah. Anyway, I got to go, see ya later, Ducky!"
Pie was on guard duty outside the base when Bob ran up to him.
Bob, slightly out of breath from a brisk jog around the canyon (Under Pie's orders, of course), said, "Pie! I heard the reds say that they're taking a fag somewhere!"
"What? And why aren't you leaving all of us alon- I mean, going for a nice jog?"
"I said, the reds are going to take a fag somewhere! And I got tired of jogging, it's exercise! I don't like exercise."
"So the reds are going to take a fag somewhere. Riiight. How about you go ask them? If they let you live, maybe we can follow them."
"Wow, that sounds like a great idea!"
"I think so too, Bob. I think so, too."
Nate had a feeling he was going to have an unexpected visitor. He didn't know why; he just KNEW. Which is why his initial reaction wasn't to fire the shotgun he was holding when a stranger in the blue's armor walked up to him.
"Hey, where are you guys taking the fag?" Bob asked.
"The what?"
"The fag."
"We have a fag?" Immediately, thoughts of his worst fears confirmed went through his head: He was trapped in a base full of gay guys. Then he realized that the reason this stranger was in the blue's armor was because he was on blue. He thought about shooting him... But that was too easy. "But I DO know that we'll be in Sniper Country soon."
"Oh, thanks."
"No problem." Nate said, watching as Private Bob Guy left across the box canyon, going off to tell Pie of his news. “Idiot.”