Heathen
December 29th, 2009, 11:25 PM
Some guy who has never watched Twilight gets in an argument with some girl about Twilight, and points out something I find particularly funny.
I talked with a teenaged friend yesterday. She can't believe that I've never read a Twilight book and that I haven't seen the first movie. She is beside herself about the opening of New Moon tomorrow.
Her: You are missing out! The books are awesome. You should read them first, then see the movies in order.
Me: I'm not missing out. I know all about Twilight from the Internet. Plenty of smart grown women are all about James Pattinson. It's pretty revolting, but I've got the gist of the books through their droolings.
Her: It's not the same. The saga is amazing! Romance, adventure, drama, heartbreak....
Me: Seriously, I know. People are all about glittering vampire love on the Internet. Every link I turn on, the Twilight people are. Team Edward. Team Jacob. Plus I saw the werewolf manboy on television. He's proud of his muscles. He grew them for the fans.
Her: So you know everything? But you aren't going to see New Moon?
Me: I totally should get Advanced Placement credit for testing out in Twilight AND New Moon.
Her: Um, sure. Okay, tell me about Twilight. About New Moon.
Me: Okay. So there is this chick Bella. She lives in the Pacific Northwest, because, duh. And she's a player. Everyone want to be her because freaky monsters want her bad and therefore girls want to kill her. She has her pick of vampires and werewolves. Probably also zombies, though I said vampires already and it's been occurring to me lately that vampires ARE zombies.
Her: Edward and Jacob aren't monsters.
Me: Of course they are monstrous sex fiends. Except they aren't, because the books are PG. So the sex is implied. But it is obviously all about who she is going to have the best sex with.
Her: Sort of. No. Not really.
Me: And it's hard to figure out, because obviously the sex would be hotter with the wolfman, but she could live forever with the ice cold vamp which is a pretty good tradeoff. So she's always tortured about her decisions, or her love, or about missing her lover(s). Should she give up hunky Jacob for the emo white fangboy who wants to suck her blood and leave her in the night? Plus side: he offers her ETERNAL LIFE. Only Jesus and vampires can do that. So. That is serious forever-love. Down side: he's pouty and complicated and ultimately narcissistic in that vampire way.
Her: He leaves her because he's putting her in DANGER. It's tragic.
Me: Meh. Vampires are whiners. They always have some "poor me, I have to live forever as a lonely old misunderstood poisonous soul" pity party going on. And they are always single despite this amazing gift they can give people. That's a big red flag of emotional baggage if you ask me. Vampires can't commit because they don't want to hurt you with their forever-love? Who needs it? So maybe Bella should go with what's behind door number 2.
Her: Team Jacob.
Me: Jacob, the loyal dog with biceps of steel. A big hunk of wild animal devoted to her. Who will ravage her like the bad boy she craves, never leaving her side. Hungry like the wolf. Downside: the hair and piles of hidden bones. Plus, after so many dog years, he's dead. She buries him, then goes herself not long after. Bones and bones and bones.
Her: Ew.
Me: So New Moon is the werewolf's chance to nail her while the vampire is sulking in his coffin.
Her: Well, Edward's in Italy. You are forgetting about all kinds of stuff, being attacked, her needing to be saved from Victoria's evil plans, about almost dying for each other...
Me: He's in Italy?! I told you. It's all about him. And then who actually saves her, the European vampire or the American Indian werewolf? Forever Love or Wild Animal Lust?
Her: I guess, both.
Me: A-ha. But she ends up going with Edward, right, and becoming a vampire? Even though it's wrong that the Europeans stole the Native's land? Even though he has an annoying name and no shoulders? Even though he is a self-absorbed, non-committal emo boy who sleeps all day long?
Her: Oh yeah, Team Edward forever.
Me: Well, worse comes to worse, if she ever gets tired of him (because Vampire Forever is a very long time and most couples can't even make it Human Forever) she could always turn Jacob into a vampire and then she'd have the best of both worlds: a vampire werewolf! Rawr!
Her: But that wouldn't work out well for Bella and Edward's daughter, because SHE ends up with Jacob.
Me: What? Bella's daughter gets with the wolf? You're making that part up.
Her: No. In Breaking Dawn. I'm serious. It's so sweet, it's how he gets over the heartbreak of Bella. But it's not, like, sexual. Jacob imprinted on Bella's girl. He will be whatever she needs him to be, best friend, protector, and when she is old enough, they COULD be lovers if she wants. It's pure devotion.
Me: Okay, that's just sick. That's like young girls getting married to old men like in some fundamental Mormon polygamous cult family. Hey, wait a minute...
Her: Huh. Well, Stephenie Meyer is Mormon. She said the idea for the saga came to her in a dream.
Me: So basically she wrote all of this to explain that it's okay that the white men stole America, and now want to steal girl-sister-wives, and it's somehow okay that people of color are meant to be slaves to our babies, and guess what, you should abstain from sex but should give your soul to the entity that promises you eternal life, and a New Dawn is coming? This is subversive and creepy!
Her: Um, I think she wrote it to get rich. Which seems to be working.
Me: I don't think you should go to New Moon tomorrow night. How about 2012 where John Cusack is the dad and it's the end of the world as we know it. We might be better off if we just let this world end. With popcorn. And Diet Coke, of course.
Her: Yeah, no thanks! I'm sticking with New Moon. Although what if you've ruined it for me?
Me: Ruined it? SAVED you, you mean. I've saved you from a Mormon cult. You'll thank me when you aren't fighting with your sister wives over whose turn it is to mash some yams for dinner for y'all's husband.
Her: Um. Thank you?
I talked with a teenaged friend yesterday. She can't believe that I've never read a Twilight book and that I haven't seen the first movie. She is beside herself about the opening of New Moon tomorrow.
Her: You are missing out! The books are awesome. You should read them first, then see the movies in order.
Me: I'm not missing out. I know all about Twilight from the Internet. Plenty of smart grown women are all about James Pattinson. It's pretty revolting, but I've got the gist of the books through their droolings.
Her: It's not the same. The saga is amazing! Romance, adventure, drama, heartbreak....
Me: Seriously, I know. People are all about glittering vampire love on the Internet. Every link I turn on, the Twilight people are. Team Edward. Team Jacob. Plus I saw the werewolf manboy on television. He's proud of his muscles. He grew them for the fans.
Her: So you know everything? But you aren't going to see New Moon?
Me: I totally should get Advanced Placement credit for testing out in Twilight AND New Moon.
Her: Um, sure. Okay, tell me about Twilight. About New Moon.
Me: Okay. So there is this chick Bella. She lives in the Pacific Northwest, because, duh. And she's a player. Everyone want to be her because freaky monsters want her bad and therefore girls want to kill her. She has her pick of vampires and werewolves. Probably also zombies, though I said vampires already and it's been occurring to me lately that vampires ARE zombies.
Her: Edward and Jacob aren't monsters.
Me: Of course they are monstrous sex fiends. Except they aren't, because the books are PG. So the sex is implied. But it is obviously all about who she is going to have the best sex with.
Her: Sort of. No. Not really.
Me: And it's hard to figure out, because obviously the sex would be hotter with the wolfman, but she could live forever with the ice cold vamp which is a pretty good tradeoff. So she's always tortured about her decisions, or her love, or about missing her lover(s). Should she give up hunky Jacob for the emo white fangboy who wants to suck her blood and leave her in the night? Plus side: he offers her ETERNAL LIFE. Only Jesus and vampires can do that. So. That is serious forever-love. Down side: he's pouty and complicated and ultimately narcissistic in that vampire way.
Her: He leaves her because he's putting her in DANGER. It's tragic.
Me: Meh. Vampires are whiners. They always have some "poor me, I have to live forever as a lonely old misunderstood poisonous soul" pity party going on. And they are always single despite this amazing gift they can give people. That's a big red flag of emotional baggage if you ask me. Vampires can't commit because they don't want to hurt you with their forever-love? Who needs it? So maybe Bella should go with what's behind door number 2.
Her: Team Jacob.
Me: Jacob, the loyal dog with biceps of steel. A big hunk of wild animal devoted to her. Who will ravage her like the bad boy she craves, never leaving her side. Hungry like the wolf. Downside: the hair and piles of hidden bones. Plus, after so many dog years, he's dead. She buries him, then goes herself not long after. Bones and bones and bones.
Her: Ew.
Me: So New Moon is the werewolf's chance to nail her while the vampire is sulking in his coffin.
Her: Well, Edward's in Italy. You are forgetting about all kinds of stuff, being attacked, her needing to be saved from Victoria's evil plans, about almost dying for each other...
Me: He's in Italy?! I told you. It's all about him. And then who actually saves her, the European vampire or the American Indian werewolf? Forever Love or Wild Animal Lust?
Her: I guess, both.
Me: A-ha. But she ends up going with Edward, right, and becoming a vampire? Even though it's wrong that the Europeans stole the Native's land? Even though he has an annoying name and no shoulders? Even though he is a self-absorbed, non-committal emo boy who sleeps all day long?
Her: Oh yeah, Team Edward forever.
Me: Well, worse comes to worse, if she ever gets tired of him (because Vampire Forever is a very long time and most couples can't even make it Human Forever) she could always turn Jacob into a vampire and then she'd have the best of both worlds: a vampire werewolf! Rawr!
Her: But that wouldn't work out well for Bella and Edward's daughter, because SHE ends up with Jacob.
Me: What? Bella's daughter gets with the wolf? You're making that part up.
Her: No. In Breaking Dawn. I'm serious. It's so sweet, it's how he gets over the heartbreak of Bella. But it's not, like, sexual. Jacob imprinted on Bella's girl. He will be whatever she needs him to be, best friend, protector, and when she is old enough, they COULD be lovers if she wants. It's pure devotion.
Me: Okay, that's just sick. That's like young girls getting married to old men like in some fundamental Mormon polygamous cult family. Hey, wait a minute...
Her: Huh. Well, Stephenie Meyer is Mormon. She said the idea for the saga came to her in a dream.
Me: So basically she wrote all of this to explain that it's okay that the white men stole America, and now want to steal girl-sister-wives, and it's somehow okay that people of color are meant to be slaves to our babies, and guess what, you should abstain from sex but should give your soul to the entity that promises you eternal life, and a New Dawn is coming? This is subversive and creepy!
Her: Um, I think she wrote it to get rich. Which seems to be working.
Me: I don't think you should go to New Moon tomorrow night. How about 2012 where John Cusack is the dad and it's the end of the world as we know it. We might be better off if we just let this world end. With popcorn. And Diet Coke, of course.
Her: Yeah, no thanks! I'm sticking with New Moon. Although what if you've ruined it for me?
Me: Ruined it? SAVED you, you mean. I've saved you from a Mormon cult. You'll thank me when you aren't fighting with your sister wives over whose turn it is to mash some yams for dinner for y'all's husband.
Her: Um. Thank you?