modacity
March 3rd, 2010, 12:08 PM
While writing my thesis on ducks I have happened upon an interesting paradox: every war, including World War II, has been indirectly caused by a shortage or surplus of ducks.
I will begin, of course, by discounting all of the pre-war imperialist actions of Germany. The true cause of the war lies elsewhere. In 1941, a certain revolutionary text entitled Make Way for Ducklings was published.
Critics of Make Way for Ducklings point to its weak plot and poor characterization; in fact, Mr. Mallard's reason for leaving the island is never actually mentioned. In the same way, the United States of America merely misunderstood Germany's reasons for invading Poland. Perhaps if Robert McCloskey, the author of Make Way for Ducklings, had the foresight to mention the disturbing events in Europe, disaster could have been avoided. Thus, a shortage of ducks is responsible for World War II. Make Way for Ducklings was simply not long enough to support a setting change to Eastern Europe.
Make Way for Ducklings could undoubtedly have lessened the disastrous impact of World War II on Earth. But irrespective of McCloskey's failure to change the setting, Make Way for Ducklings nevertheless caused the United States' entrance into the war. Here is an image of a duck congregation in Germany:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3a/DucksHannover.jpg
One must also recall Germany's use of the "goose step" as a marching technique; the goose is a close relative of the duck. Evidently Make Way for Ducklings was a chilling reminder to the United States that Germany exists. The United States' entrance was prompted by the increasing popularity of the book.
Do not think for a moment I am under the absurd impression that Make Way for Ducklings was the only cause of World War II. I recognize that Donald Duck is also a factor. Nazi Germany was founded in 1933. It is no coincidence that Donald was born in 1934, less than one year after the founding of Nazi Germany. Amazingly enough, ten years after his conception, Donald managed to perform in a film called Der Fuehrer's Face, which glorified the American war effort. Donald was an American ploy to defame Germany shortly after Make Way for Ducklings reminded America of Germany's existence. Also recall that the term "duck tape" was coined during World War II. Considering the significant influence of ducks on America's entrance into the war, I contend that the aforementioned tape was named after ducks as a form of homage to ducks, being as without the use of ducks, the United States would have found gaining Congressional support for the war an impossibility.
I now bring your attention to the internationally renowned crossword puzzle compiler Don Manley, who went by the pseudonym "Duck". Manley was born in 1945; without the presence of ducks in World War II. Manley would never have found the inspiration for his pseudonym and consequently never would have begun his esteemed work with crosswords.
On the subject of celebrities, Manley is not the only one whose name came as a result of the widespread duck influences in World War II. Richard 'Duck' Johnson, poet and playwright, author of "Thy Duck and Mine Trailer", was born in 1921. He served in the Army Corps during the war where he worked as a cook serving mostly duck due to their surplus in Germany; geese were preferred for their steps. What we have here is a blatant propaganda campaign initiated by the United States in an attempt to cover up Make Way for Ducklings. The true title was Make War for Ducklings, as is found in Johnson's memoirs and his personal communications with McCloskey following the war.
I must now bring your attention to Robert Montgomery, a lawyer from Birmington, Alabama. Montgomery was born in 1930 and served in the United States army for two years following his graduation from University. His continued higher education, however, was funded by the G.I. bill, a piece of legislation passed by the United States congress which permitted veterans to attend college at the expense of the federal government. Of particular note here is the fact that Montgomery attended the University of Florida Law School, and it is no coincidence that a particular species of mottled duck is called the Florida duck. Montgomery must have happened upon one of these fantastic creatures during his time in Florida; why else would he have been prompted to pursue a fruitful law career other than the fact that he saw one of the very ducks which might have been responsible for World War II?
After all of the careful research required to compile this article, after the countless hours spent interviewing the great pop culture icons of the post-World War II time period, I am unable to complete to my thesis. I simply cannot continue writing about ducks after considering how terrible Earth was during the 1940s as a result of them. McCloskey's Make Way for Ducklings horrified a nation. But even more horrifying was what came after. I will again draw your attention to an image. The following is a propaganda poster generated by the United States in response to Communism:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/21/Is_this_tomorrow.jpg
Based upon the style of art in this poster, it is apparent that this poster is from the same chain of propaganda as Make Way for Ducklings. I contend that it is ducks who sparked Karl Marx in 1848 to write the Communist Manifesto on the basis that 1940s era propaganda posters relate vaguely to a book about ducklings written in 1941. After considering that ducks were responsible for both World War II and communism, the two scourges of Earth, you will abandon any sympathy you held for ducks.
I hope that after reading this, you can look at a duck and see past its shiny exterior, its gleaming accessories, and think, "this beast is responsible for every wrong that has ever been done since 1941." I hope most of all that my death will not be in vain.
I will begin, of course, by discounting all of the pre-war imperialist actions of Germany. The true cause of the war lies elsewhere. In 1941, a certain revolutionary text entitled Make Way for Ducklings was published.
Critics of Make Way for Ducklings point to its weak plot and poor characterization; in fact, Mr. Mallard's reason for leaving the island is never actually mentioned. In the same way, the United States of America merely misunderstood Germany's reasons for invading Poland. Perhaps if Robert McCloskey, the author of Make Way for Ducklings, had the foresight to mention the disturbing events in Europe, disaster could have been avoided. Thus, a shortage of ducks is responsible for World War II. Make Way for Ducklings was simply not long enough to support a setting change to Eastern Europe.
Make Way for Ducklings could undoubtedly have lessened the disastrous impact of World War II on Earth. But irrespective of McCloskey's failure to change the setting, Make Way for Ducklings nevertheless caused the United States' entrance into the war. Here is an image of a duck congregation in Germany:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3a/DucksHannover.jpg
One must also recall Germany's use of the "goose step" as a marching technique; the goose is a close relative of the duck. Evidently Make Way for Ducklings was a chilling reminder to the United States that Germany exists. The United States' entrance was prompted by the increasing popularity of the book.
Do not think for a moment I am under the absurd impression that Make Way for Ducklings was the only cause of World War II. I recognize that Donald Duck is also a factor. Nazi Germany was founded in 1933. It is no coincidence that Donald was born in 1934, less than one year after the founding of Nazi Germany. Amazingly enough, ten years after his conception, Donald managed to perform in a film called Der Fuehrer's Face, which glorified the American war effort. Donald was an American ploy to defame Germany shortly after Make Way for Ducklings reminded America of Germany's existence. Also recall that the term "duck tape" was coined during World War II. Considering the significant influence of ducks on America's entrance into the war, I contend that the aforementioned tape was named after ducks as a form of homage to ducks, being as without the use of ducks, the United States would have found gaining Congressional support for the war an impossibility.
I now bring your attention to the internationally renowned crossword puzzle compiler Don Manley, who went by the pseudonym "Duck". Manley was born in 1945; without the presence of ducks in World War II. Manley would never have found the inspiration for his pseudonym and consequently never would have begun his esteemed work with crosswords.
On the subject of celebrities, Manley is not the only one whose name came as a result of the widespread duck influences in World War II. Richard 'Duck' Johnson, poet and playwright, author of "Thy Duck and Mine Trailer", was born in 1921. He served in the Army Corps during the war where he worked as a cook serving mostly duck due to their surplus in Germany; geese were preferred for their steps. What we have here is a blatant propaganda campaign initiated by the United States in an attempt to cover up Make Way for Ducklings. The true title was Make War for Ducklings, as is found in Johnson's memoirs and his personal communications with McCloskey following the war.
I must now bring your attention to Robert Montgomery, a lawyer from Birmington, Alabama. Montgomery was born in 1930 and served in the United States army for two years following his graduation from University. His continued higher education, however, was funded by the G.I. bill, a piece of legislation passed by the United States congress which permitted veterans to attend college at the expense of the federal government. Of particular note here is the fact that Montgomery attended the University of Florida Law School, and it is no coincidence that a particular species of mottled duck is called the Florida duck. Montgomery must have happened upon one of these fantastic creatures during his time in Florida; why else would he have been prompted to pursue a fruitful law career other than the fact that he saw one of the very ducks which might have been responsible for World War II?
After all of the careful research required to compile this article, after the countless hours spent interviewing the great pop culture icons of the post-World War II time period, I am unable to complete to my thesis. I simply cannot continue writing about ducks after considering how terrible Earth was during the 1940s as a result of them. McCloskey's Make Way for Ducklings horrified a nation. But even more horrifying was what came after. I will again draw your attention to an image. The following is a propaganda poster generated by the United States in response to Communism:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/21/Is_this_tomorrow.jpg
Based upon the style of art in this poster, it is apparent that this poster is from the same chain of propaganda as Make Way for Ducklings. I contend that it is ducks who sparked Karl Marx in 1848 to write the Communist Manifesto on the basis that 1940s era propaganda posters relate vaguely to a book about ducklings written in 1941. After considering that ducks were responsible for both World War II and communism, the two scourges of Earth, you will abandon any sympathy you held for ducks.
I hope that after reading this, you can look at a duck and see past its shiny exterior, its gleaming accessories, and think, "this beast is responsible for every wrong that has ever been done since 1941." I hope most of all that my death will not be in vain.