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Kornman00
January 29th, 2008, 10:50 AM
A girl at work showed me this email. We proceeded to LOLOLOLOLOL, especially when this guy (older guy, vietnam vet) came in and proceeded to read it out loud to everyone.



We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate
pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know here it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check
for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom
ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts
of Out of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.Enjoy

MNC
January 29th, 2008, 11:02 AM
X Fucking D.

FlyingStone
January 29th, 2008, 11:11 AM
:lmao: X1000

SnaFuBAR
January 29th, 2008, 11:31 AM
omg wow

Con
January 29th, 2008, 11:39 AM
that's hillarious, I'm gonna forward this around.

Pyong Kawaguchi
January 29th, 2008, 11:58 AM
I saw this a while ago when i was in a mood where the word "poop" made me lmfao

Cortexian
January 29th, 2008, 05:27 PM
I rather prefer the Synchronization-Out-of-the-Closet method. Just get a bunch of friends (preferably of the same sex), and all go poop together. Make conversation, and joke about who's making the biggest farts and "Watermelons".

This wards off EVERYONE. Including Uncle Todd's.

Botolf
January 29th, 2008, 06:24 PM
:XD:

I'm so juvenile :(

Random
January 29th, 2008, 07:17 PM
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

Thats me, I am damn proud when it takes more than one flush to get my shit down :-[ (face means I am serious)

Reaper Man
January 29th, 2008, 07:18 PM
LOL, epic.

DrunkenSamus
January 29th, 2008, 08:03 PM
Thats me, I am damn proud when it takes more than one flush to get my shit down :-[ (face means I am serious)

You take pride in your shit shitting abilities?:-3

Random
January 29th, 2008, 08:24 PM
You take pride in your shit shitting abilities?:-3

Yah, when I block up one of those uber, non clogging toilet and need to flush again, I think hf o/ fiber hf o/.

Xegrot
January 29th, 2008, 09:27 PM
That is gross. You are gross.




Kidding, I lol'd.

itszutak
January 29th, 2008, 09:28 PM
Yah, when I block up one of those uber, non clogging toilet and need to flush again, I think hf o/ fiber hf o/.But can you make a long enough shit to not even fit in the water? <_<;







why the hell am I discussing poop

Kalub
January 29th, 2008, 09:31 PM
omg silly kornman!

Bodzilla
January 30th, 2008, 01:03 AM
:lmao:

JDMFSeanP
January 30th, 2008, 01:23 AM
Haha, thats honestly so true.

teh lag
January 30th, 2008, 06:52 AM
But can you make a long enough shit to not even fit in the water? <_<;

I did that once :v

Kornman00
January 30th, 2008, 06:55 AM
I hate those kinds :saddowns:

FRain
January 30th, 2008, 08:34 AM
lmfao that's amazing.

Abstract.Error
January 30th, 2008, 10:17 AM
I've seen about five of these already, but all of them made me laugh. :lol:

Pyong Kawaguchi
January 30th, 2008, 12:58 PM
Anyone here taken a shit in the urinal? :O

Bodzilla
January 30th, 2008, 03:07 PM
I hate those kinds :saddowns:
Why?

afterwards you cant help but feel a sense of accomplishment :D.

Kornman00
January 30th, 2008, 03:26 PM
Why?
Because of the shitty toilets (pun not intended) the fucking Europeans use, the iceburgs cause me a flushing headache. FFS, get a fucking toilet that actually fucking drains the fucking bowl instead of just draining and filling the fucking thing at a equal rate, then maybe some of my fucking shits would flush right on the first fucking go <:gonk:>. Even holding the fucking button down for a minute+ doesn't always drain my Captain's Log from the mouth of the bowl >:|

I can't wait to be on american soil (heh, soil) again :awesome:

n00b1n8R
January 31st, 2008, 01:28 AM
I think a lot of people in this thread need to see a doctor :v

Kornman00
January 31st, 2008, 02:11 AM
I think a lot of people in this thread need to see a doctor :v
n u

not releasing your sharts can cause too much pressure in the low portion of your body, 'til one day one tiny movement causes you to go:
lQqCJPg2MEk&autoplay=1

alby
January 31st, 2008, 05:27 AM
Korn, are you talking about the toilets that have the lever that you turn to start flushing, or the toilets that are just a hole in the fucking ground?

Kornman00
January 31st, 2008, 12:17 PM
the toilets that look like a regular toilet with a regular bowl but in the housing that I live in there is a button in the wall above the toilet you press\hold down and the toilet drains the existing water while filling it with "new" at a equal rate, and the fucking thing doesn't have much force in the flush to begin with so it can do any real damage to a big kahuna shits I pump out :-3.

alby
January 31st, 2008, 07:04 PM
the toilets that look like a regular toilet with a regular bowl but in the housing that I live in there is a button in the wall above the toilet you press\hold down and the toilet drains the existing water while filling it with "new" at a equal rate, and the fucking thing doesn't have much force in the flush to begin with so it can do any real damage to a big kahuna shits I pump out :-3.That's like the one with the lever. The water doesn't have enough force to push down a superdump.