Pre-mid-life crisis

[ExAm]

WALL OF TEXT!!!

Here's my first problem

Today, I went to a movie with my friends. Of course it's not as simple as that, but I'm getting to the rest, so hang tight. Before the movie, we met up at the Taqueria Vallarta downtown. One of my friends, Grace (Who, by the way, I have a huge crush on), spotted me through the window and waved, I waved back. I felt perfectly fine as I walked in and sat down. I was just about to try and get in on the conversation, when my brain just kind of shut off. I just kind of sat there like a dog waiting for something. We moved to different tables to accommodate another two, Lindsay and Daniel, who had just arrived. Still I sat, piping up only one or two times with two word comments and to politely turn down the half a burrito Grace offered me. Her boyfriend Garrett (Doesn't seem to pay much attention to her, and later tried to grab her ass during the movie) began talking about his AP Physics class, and mentioned some of the video clips his class watched. I commented about the ones that I had seen, and we half-discussed them, with him doing most of the talking and myself only mentioning a couple of points. Okay, so there's some talking right there, right? Right, but seriously now, I was disappointed with myself. I hadn't contributed anything to the conversation but a few comments and interjections. As we walked down the street to the theater, I found myself tongue tied again and attempted to remedy it by commenting on the mural in the tunnel area outside the office buildings that were under construction. In my mind I failed in that endeavor. I disappointed myself with my sudden unsociability.
I can't stand being bored, but something I can stand much less is being boring. I like to amuse people, and I like to be fun and interesting to talk to. So far I'm not having much success doing this in actual, face-to-face conversation. This next point makes me feel like a shut-in: I'm much better at talking in an instant messaging conversation than I am in real life. I can be myself - insightful, reasonably well-spoken, humorous, silly, whimsical, friendly, whatever I feel like. In real life I too often get cagey, and sometimes feel like I'm coming off as a jerk to some people, when I really don't want to be a jerk to anyone. I find myself censoring my sentences, removing meaningful expression in a fearful attempt not to look stupid, but instead ending up perpetuating my own clammed-up attitude.
I will say that I'm making some encouraging progress, and I'm certainly better at interacting than I used to be, but it's these sudden lapses in personality that just bring me down.

On to another point, this girl, who I've basically fallen like a ton of bricks for, is in a relationship, and one in which she seems unhappy, though she hasn't talked about it and I'm not clear as to whether I'm right. I noticed at several points during the movie that her boyfriend apparently tried to put his hand on her ass. It looked like she kept subtly redirecting it elsewhere, and she didn't look too happy about it. I don't know if I was right in assuming this, and I don't know what to make of all of it - she seems like she's just being sort of passive. I feel like I ought to help her, but I don't know how, or if I even should. I talk to her on MSN almost daily, and often for hours. We work together on Not Pron (http://www.deathball.net/notpron) in our spare time, and she is one of the easiest people to talk to I have ever met. At school she's always happy to see me, and we always get along great. I haven't let on that I love her, but I feel that if I don't do it sometime, she'll just slip away as time goes on. The problem is that I don't want to put our friendship in jeopardy by making her feel awkward.

Jesus christ this shit is confusing. And to think that as a kid I thought I wanted to be a bachelor-for-life by choice...

FUCKING HELP ALREADY

[n00b1n8R]

My strategy is just to keep a lid on it until an opportunity arises (and then don't let all of the cat out of the bag, just enough to get a half-telling response.

Says Mr n00bneverhadadateinhislife1n8R

Also, I generally act like that in conversations all the time. :/

[Snowy]

Good at chatting via IM =/= good at chatting via RL

I believe you sensor your conversations because you can do that in chat via IM. In IM, they don't know if/what you were going to say if you delete your message. That's what "censoring" your conversation is in RL.

[Pyong Kawaguchi]

Same here snowy.

[ExAm]

Good at chatting via IM =/= good at chatting via RL

I believe you sensor your conversations because you can do that in chat via IM. In IM, they don't know if/what you were going to say if you delete your message. That's what "censoring" your conversation is in RL.F minus in reading comprehension for ye. My point was that I can actually express some sort of emotion online, even in voice chat, and in real life at school my sentences often become the blandest of the bland. It pisses me off.

[nooBBooze]

On to another point, this girl, who I've basically fallen like a ton of bricks for, is in a relationship, and one in which she seems unhappy, though she hasn't talked about it and I'm not clear as to whether I'm right. I noticed at several points during the movie that her boyfriend apparently tried to put his hand on her ass. It looked like she kept subtly redirecting it elsewhere, and she didn't look too happy about it. I don't know if I was right in assuming this, and I don't know what to make of all of it - she seems like she's just being sort of passive. I feel like I ought to help her, but I don't know how, or if I even should. I talk to her on MSN almost daily, and often for hours. We work together on Not Pron (http://www.deathball.net/notpron) in our spare time, and she is one of the easiest people to talk to I have ever met. At school she's always happy to see me, and we always get along great. I haven't let on that I love her, but I feel that if I don't do it sometime, she'll just slip away as time goes on. The problem is that I don't want to put our friendship in jeopardy by making her feel awkward.

Oh, hi. dont mind me btw.
http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/e/e1/Cooldude.gif

:(

[Zeph]

Pre-mid-life I'm not confident in myself so I resort to non-verbal means of communication with people I dont really know to try and figure out what I should do crisis event.
ftfy

[Corndogman]

Im pretty much the same as you exam. online it feels so easy to converse with people and have conversations. but sometimes in RL i just cant seem to find words when talking to people. im usually fine when im with a group of friends ive known for a long time and am very comfortable with, but thats really it.

My advice:
Just talk to her like normally on MSN and try to steer the conversation to the subject of her boyfriend and find out if shes really happy with him. but dont make it too obvious. If shes not happy in the relationship and ends up breaking up with her bf eventually then try to tell her how you feel at some point. just wait for the right moment.

[ExAm]

ftfyNo shit, thanks for stating the obvious. I'm sure there are at least some people here who have been in a situation like mine, so I'm posting just in case someone has something helpful. I'm actually very confused about my life right now, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't be such a fucking dick when I try to do something to help myself.

[Hotrod]

I have been/am in (not too sure which) in almost the same situation, except that the girl is not going out with anybody. I think that this is the way that most guys feel in these situations.

[Rob Oplawar]

welcome to my world. Just do what I do- make mindless random conversation with your friend who is obviously busy with something else until he gets pissed at you and tells you to fuck off. It seems to be working for me so far...

But seriously, it sounds to me like you're in a bit of a social dry-spell, and if that's the case, the internet is not the place to look for an answer. =/

[Zeph]

No shit, thanks for stating the obvious. I'm sure there are at least some people here who have been in a situation like mine, so I'm posting just in case someone has something helpful. I'm actually very confused about my life right now, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't be such a fucking dick when I try to do something to help myself.


The only way you can help yourself is to stop being such a fucking immature kid and grow up. Conversing on the internet is soo easy because there's no immediate, and sometimes long-term, consequences. Grow some balls, talk in real life, and take some hits. It's the only way you're going to get anywhere in life.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v333/zeph483/ShotDown.jpg

This image is a perfect example of what I mean. I'd always doodle stupid things like this with a girl and give them said labels. It was the source of many of our inside jokes. Took me forever to ask that asexual bitch out. The day after she said no, I drew everything in that picture besides the person with the rocket launcher, the plane, and the dotted line signifying the plane's path. I showed it to her and drew in the person with the rocket launcher. She laughed and thought the cow was going to get it. I then drew the dotted line going up and resulting in the explosion. I drew in the horizontal path of the airplane and wrote in the sounds. By the time I finished drawing in the swirly path of the plane and drew it about to crash into the ground, she had the most awesome look of sorrow on her face.

Now get off teh internetz, go out there, and either get into a relationship or get kicked in the balls. If you get kicked in the balls, dont cry like a wussie. Instead, do something deep and intellectual to return the favor without ruining any friendship you have.

BTW: I was seriously considering becoming a jet jockey when I drew that.

[ExAm]

*text*Again, part of that is stating what has already been said. I have been talking to people normally, I just completely freeze up every now and then for no apparent reason, and then for a short period afterwards I say things that are completely and utterly stupid, and that's what's pissing me off, that's what I wrote about, and that's what I'm trying to conquer here.


On the other part of your post, though your methods are "unorthodox" to put it nicely, you're actually in a way confirming what I've been trying to do. Despite being an asshole, you may have given me some encouragement. However, your bit about getting into the relationship is complicated, because as I said, the girl is already in one, and half the situation is completely unknown.

[ICEE]

Lots of stuff


you know, I sort of have a similar recurring problem in my life, and even though that post wasn't directed at me I think I needed to hear that.

[Emmzee]

Man up and take a risk. Without ever taking the risk and doing anything, you'll always be wondering.

[Llama Juice]

Now imagine that that girl you're chasing is single, six years older than you, and 600 miles away. You've been talking to each other online and on the phone for 3 years + and you're about to knock on her front door for the first time. She has no idea you're coming to surprise her. How nervous are you now? What do you say? "Hi?" something else lame?

She throws a party the next night, several of her friends that you've never met show up. She's told them all about you, so they're expecting amazing things from you. You don't know anything about these people, they're all a good few years older than you and aren't much like you at all. How do you fit in? How do you find words to say to live up to their expectations?

^^ me in february


Life is crazy dude, shit happens. Even if you don't live up to your own expectations you can learn from your experience. The girl in my story there was leaving for basic training for the National Guard a week after I left her place, so although timing to tell her how I feel about her was terrible, she knows and all is well.

Because of my shitty timing she got an easy answer to my feelings. "I really can't think about this right now, I have kinda a long term thing with the army goin on. We'll talk about it later though okay?"

I couldn't blame her for it, but fuck that was not what I wanted to hear. I'm glad I told her though.

point of story?

Your situation can be so fucked up that it's hard to find confidence, but you just have to let go of your fears and embrace the moment. If you start to clam up or something just bring up an old story that you kids shared that the other people don't know about... or tell an embarrassing/silly story about yourself. Once you've shown that you're vulnerable (embarrassing story) it's a lot easier to engage in the conversation/be accepted into it.

[Zeph]

She has no idea you're coming to surprise her.

That's 99.999999999% of a bad idea. Hell, they even tell military people that if they value their relationships, they should call from the airport.


Again, part of that is stating what has already been said. I have been talking to people normally, I just completely freeze up every now and then for no apparent reason, and then for a short period afterwards I say things that are completely and utterly stupid, and that's what's pissing me off, that's what I wrote about, and that's what I'm trying to conquer here.


On the other part of your post, though your methods are "unorthodox" to put it nicely, you're actually in a way confirming what I've been trying to do. Despite being an asshole, you may have given me some encouragement. However, your bit about getting into the relationship is complicated, because as I said, the girl is already in one, and half the situation is completely unknown.
Chatting != talking. Talking is serious bussiness.

Call me a fucking dick, shame on you.
Call me an asshole, shame on me.
Call me something again, you're the fuck out of here.

[Llama Juice]

That's 99.999999999% of a bad idea. Hell, they even tell military people that if they value their relationships, they should call from the airport.

Her best friend and mom were in on it. Her mom was keeping her at her house, and her best friend was with me. Things went great and she was in tears she was so excited/happy/surprised.

Worked out well for me.

[ExAm]

Call me a fucking dick, shame on you.
Call me an asshole, shame on me.
Call me something again, you're the fuck out of here.Sorry, but you needed to hear it from someone, even if you've heard it from like a billion people already. I really think that it's something you need to work on as a moderator. Don't infract me for this, I'm not intending to insult you.

[Bodzilla]

God dammit Exam.

i've been trying to read this shit for 3 days but i can never read it cause i've always been drinking. It's like even if i read it, i forget what i'm going to say before i post. gah.

will post tomorrow.

[rossmum]

tl;dr;

See a shrink, preferably a female one. Seriously, I shit you not.

[ExAm]

I'd rather work this out without a professional, thanks.

[Bodzilla]

Exam you need to take a chance dude, Contrary to popular belief i was actually a very very shy person when i was younger, but i made a point of myself to break through it. so i just randomly talked to people and carried on being silly :P.
Make a conscious decision to say or do things at a moments whim or you'll continue to struggle around people. Force your way through it and just joke around.

the other thing that always gets the ball rolling is alcohol.
A party with a few mates, a fire place and some good tunes does wonders. Your already comfortable with these people, music lightens the mood, the fireplace is a place to gather around talking and joking and the alcohol counter-acts your natural inhibiter's that stop you from talking and mucking around with a fear of repercussion for making a mistake.
your more relaxed and the words will just come to you.

Alcohol has some seriously awesome mental property's that alot of people overlook and cast doubt apon, but if you can set up a small fire and have a little to drink (i'm not talking stumbling, slurring and spewing) you'll break through some of your personal barriers.

Doctor Zilla proscribes booze and a good time.
must take subscription a minimum of once ever 2 weeks for the next 6 months.
not to be taken in conjunction with any other drugs of harmful substances.
not to be taken while alone.

[Warsaw]

Welcome to the club ExAM...:haw:

In all seriousness, I can't give much helpful advice. I am in the exact same situation as you are.