The Blues emerged in a room surrounded by robotic androids. These were not the friendly kind of robotic androids which one might expect, but rather they were the quite unfriendly kind, with guns and the ability to use them with no conscience to hold them back or make them feel guilty about it afterwards or make them cry themselves to sleep the way some less-than-hardcore mercenaries did at night. They were all shaped like a rather tall white potato, with two red eyes near the top of their bodies, a small line for a mouth which was totally unnecessary as their mouths never moved and instead their voices came out of built-in speakers, and two arms which looked a lot like machine guns. Each of them stood on what looked to be spider-like legs. Torn decided to call them “Spiderbots”.
“Don’t move,” one said in a high, squeaky voice.
Torn began to burst out laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it all, and then it fired a few automatic bullets just over his head.
Torn shut up.
The robot which had spoken before continued, “We are going to take you to our testing facilities. You will have a most enjoyable experience in there, I promise. You see, we are here to test our new teleporter gun technology-“
“You mean like a Portal Gun from the game Portal?” Pie interrupted.
“IT IS NOT A PORTAL GUN. God, why does every new batch of test subjects we get ask that? Yes, it is SIMILAR. Yes, it has a similar purpose. BUT IT IS NOT A PORTAL GUN.” The little robots pointed their machine guns at the group. “We are NOT Aperture Science. Aperture Science is FICTIONAL.” This particular robot, it would seem, had emotions hard-wired into its circuits.
“Then what are you guys?”
“We are Viewfinder Science.”
“Which is unlike Aperture Science in every way,” Pie noted.
“Correct. Now follow me to your new testing facilities.”
The Blues collectively sighed and followed the robots, which were scurrying along the floor like spiders. Torn considered kicking one, but remembered the machine guns and decided not to.
Flyboy sighed. “And my headache’s back. That wasn’t nearly as fun as it was the first time.”
Pie smiled. “Well, my headache went away the moment we went through the teleporter. I like that thing now, it was actually fun this time! Full freedom as you feel your entire body fly across the universe at unimaginable speeds and then be reassembled at the other end… It’s exhilarating. And it made all my aches and pains go away when I went through it again. Quite pleasant, you have to go through it twice to get the full experience. I guess the Guide was wrong for once.”
“And I don’t like that stupid teleporter anymore. My atoms don’t take too kindly to being taken apart and reassembled at the other end.” Flyboy said blearily.
“Shut up, all of you,” said the Spiderbot. “You aren’t going through that teleporter again anytime soon anyway.”
“What do you mean? We’re trapped here?” Torn asked.
“You are our test subjects now. You will remain here until further notice.” The Spider pointed its dual machine guns at them and backed its way through a door. The door opened upwards, and it walked through before the door was completely open, meaning that the uppermost part of the potato hit the doorframe and the robot fell to the ground, spraying machine gun fire every which way.
The other Spider robots quickly scurried over to aid their unfortunate comrade. They attempted to calm him down as his legs twirled about wildly, its machine gun arms kept firing wildly, and the robot was just acting wildly in general.
The Blues used this short timeframe to make their run for it.
The facility consisted of a multitude of hallways, each looking the same as the last. They all were lit with a light blue light, which somehow gave the halls a menacing appearance. The Blues decided to charge down one of the halls chosen completely at random, trying to get as far from those robots as was physically possible.
They stumbled into a door and found a mountain of the robots, eyes burning at the far end of the infradead spectrum.
The infradead spectrum is, peculiarly, a section of the infrared spectrum which is visible to the naked eye. It is a very deep red, and seems to evoke very terrifying images in the mind of anyone who looks at something which is lit up with a color from the infradead spectrum.
As a result of this, the infradead spectrum is used in the creation of military robots, and it was the result of hundreds of eyes lit up using this color which caused the members of Blue team to collectively need new underwear.
The events which unfolded next looked quite comical if you were there to actually watch them, but since this is a book, just paint a picture in your mind of a comical scene. Now picture a comical scene which involved Pie and his companions deciding to turn around and run back from where they had come from, with millions of spiderbots chasing them and not a can of bug poison in sight.
Torn was the first to the door. He issued to the others to rush inside, something which they complied with more than happily. Torn slammed the door shut to keep the blasted robots from getting through once more.
He was panting the most, even though he had done the least amount of running. When Pie and Flyboy glanced at him, he made a quite unsuccessful bid to regain his composure, something which was leaving him quite quickly and was threatening divorce.
Now that their adventure with the Spiderbots was over for now, the Blues breathed a collective sigh of relief.
Then the lights came on quite suddenly.
They all jumped up quite suddenly.
Then they looked around quite suddenly, expecting the worst.
They were in a largish room, an arena of sorts. Unlike the bluish hallways, this was more of a whitish room, and there were a couple of largish indentations in the wall which contained more whitish rooms. All of these rooms were buzzing with computerish-looking components, and they each had a bundle of largish wires coming out of them. These wires all went towards the center of the room, where there was a lone humanoid-shaped robot. Wires were positively pouring out of it, and the robot’s form itself looked depressed, as if it had a very large mind and very little to do with it.
“What is the meaning of life? What is the meaning of the universe? What is the meaning of everything?” asked the robot. Its voice even sounded depressed, full of the sad emotions which only one who has seen the worst end of life can convey. It was a very deep and rich voice, booming with bass, but it was also a voice which conveyed a sense of extreme sadness. Anyone who listened to it grew both sympathetic and depressed almost instantly.
Flyboy was surprised to have it ask them these questions right off the bat. “Erm…”
“Forty-two,” answered Pie.
Torn and Flyboy seemed somewhat surprised at Pie’s unusual answer. “Where did you get that one from?” asked Torn.
“Deep Thought. It’s a long story; ask Douglas Adams if you absolutely have to know.”
The sulking robotic form seemed to nod. “It’s a depressing answer, isn’t it?”
Pie nodded. “It is. Who are you?”
“I’m the one who is in control of all those spiderbots which are trying to kill you right about now.”
“Well, that’s not very nice. Why are you trying to kill us?”
“You see, the answer is quite simple: I don’t like the world.”
“Why not? And your name wouldn’t happen to be Marvin, would it? Because I think we’re becoming a little bit too much like the Hitchhiker’s Guide.”
“No, I’m not Marvin. And I was once human.
“My mind was taken, no, stolen from me by a team of so-called ‘scientists’ who needed a brain for this new computer of theirs they had been building. There were billions of people in the universe to choose from… And so they choose me.”
“Ouch.”
“Indeed. So they performed a lobotomy and quickly separated my mind from my body. I hate to think about how well my body’s faring right now, but I’d imagine it’s not doing too well since it has lost its mind.
“For the record, the brain is in a jar in one of those rooms behind me. It’s depressing to look at it; but maybe it will cheer you up since it isn’t your brain that’s stuck in a jar. I mean, it sucks being trapped in a testing facility that seems almost (but not entirely) unlike one from a video game. Feel sorry for me. Please.
“But here I am: SaDOS. The Sentient automated Disc Operating System.”
“Which is entirely unlike GLaDOS in every way?”
“Which is entirely unlike GLaDOS in every way.”
“So, can we just leave now?”
The door sealed behind them and all the lights in the room switched to a deep red color simultaneously. Flyboy recognized it as infradead light, and everyone still needed to change their underwear from their first taste of infradead and thus didn’t need to worry about soiling a fresh change of clothes when the light spectrum hit them another time.
“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Dave,” said SaDOS.
“My name isn’t Dave,” said Pie.
“Irrelevant. A security detachment will be here soon.”
There was the sound of millions of scurrying robotic legs outside. The infradead light only made the fear which was instilled in the Blue team that much worse.
Torn thought on his feet and made a dash for SaDOS. He threw himself at the robot in an attempt to knock it down… and bounced off. He quickly got up, dusted himself off, and made another valiant failure of an attempt to tackle the robot.
Pie and Flyboy, meanwhile, were busy trying to keep the door which had sealed behind them shut, a task which was becoming harder and harder to do, as the door wanted to open, and goddamnit, it was GOING to open.
The door had had enough pitiful attempts to hold it back when it seriously wanted to open, or things holding it back when it wanted to close on someone and slice them in two. The things holding it back, it thought, could never know what it was like to be a door, always having to perform the same menial task whenever anyone came near it, opening and closing for people at their whim, having people bump their heads onto its frame, which they didn’t realize hurt it as much as it hurt them, goddamnit, it wasn’t going to take it anymore! Pie and Flyboy were just two more obstacles keeping the door from following its dreams and becoming more than just a door, they were keeping it from actually helping society as a whole; they were holding the door back!
Fortunately, the door did not need to worry about this anymore, as the Spiderbots outside were getting very impatient and had decided to use their machineguns to get rid of the annoying door entirely.
Pie and Flyboy jumped back from the doomed door and decided to help Torn attempt to knock the very stubborn robot in the center of the room over. After many attempts, SaDOS finally fell over, and the Blues let out a cheer.
“Now what did that achieve?” asked SaDOS, who looked even more depressed lying on the floor and tangled in its own wires.
“Well, now you’re defeated,” said Torn, “We’ve won.”
“No you haven’t.”
“Yes, we have.”
“No, you have not.”
“Yes, we have.”
“I’m afraid not. I’m still very much alive.”
At this, Pie began humming the song “Still Alive”, one which was very popular on the internet circa 500 years ago as the ending credits for the videogame Portal, a game which has been considered one of the best ever made and is still revered in the hacking and programming circles, and thus Portal references have made their way into many of the scientific accomplishments since. The game itself, like the book The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and the Star Wars saga, has become so ingrained within popular culture that Portal has become much like the Pong of the 21st century: remade countless times, revered, fun, but not played very often.
“Stop singing that,” said SaDOS. Pie stopped.
The Spiderbots were nearly through the door now, and they were quite cross with the Blues in general.
Flyboy was now officially freaking out.
“I’m now officially freaking out,” he said.
The Spiderbots finally blew the door clean out of where the door was supposed to be at the time (which was between where the Blues were and where the Spiderbots were) and began to flood into the facility.
“Defend the PORE!” screeched a comical, high-pitched voice from one of the Spiderbots.
“The PORE?” asked Pie.
“The PORE stands for the Portal Operating Room Entrance. It’s where we keep the teleporters which make our technology tick,” said SaDOS, “and it’s also where we keep the technology which makes sure characters in this universe don’t break the fourth wall.”
“It doesn’t do a very good job of the latter, does it?”
“We’re still working on it. Not that it matters anymore, since you’re all going to die right now anyway.”
“Hey, guys, what’s this do?” Torn asked. He then flicked a switch, the lights went out, and all the robots simultaneously powered down.
The Blues then casually wandered back through the hole the Spiderbots made in the door. Pie kicked one of them on the way out.
“Thank god MY programming’s not that bad,” Flyboy said.
“We don’t know about THAT yet, Fly. We’ve barely seen Flybot in action, although admittedly, he was competent enough to get us here,” remarked Pie.
“My point exactly. He did better than that stupid SaDOS over there, and SaDOS had a human brain to work with.”
The tunnels were without proper lighting systems turned on as well, and as such were nearly completely dark. The Blues felt around the nearly-endless hallway to avoid bumping into anything, although quite a few stubbed their toes on the multitude of Spiderbots which now lay dormant on the floor.
“I do hope that brain’s alright,” said Torn, “the entire human-robot-thingamajig seemed dreadfully troubled.”
Pie was quiet for a few moments, thinking about what Torn had just said. “‘Dreadfully troubled’? What are you now, English?”
“No, I am not British, thank you.”
“And now you’re using the word ‘British’? What’s next? Tea and crumpets?”
“Guys,” Flyboy said, “we need to look for the PORE. That’s was the way we came in, and now that’s our ticket out of here, so get looking.”
It didn’t take the Blues very long to find the place that they were looking for, even in the complete darkness of the tunnels. The PORE was the only place which was still illuminated, basking in a deep, rich green glow and beckoning for the Blues to come near it.
It was where they had come in, and it was still guarded by three Spiderbots, who now remained at their posts, inert. The Blues strolled right by them. Pie considered kicking another one of the damn bots one last time, for good measure, but ultimately decided against it and strolled on into the room.
It was, indeed, where they had come in.
“You know what I’ve had to deal with throughout this entire thing?” Flyboy asked Pie.
“What?”
“I still have my headache.”
“I’d feel sorry for you if you had felt sorry for us.”
“You’re not very nice.”
“Thanks.”
“And do you want to know what I’ve had to deal with throughout this entire thing?”
“Not really, but shoot.”
“I’ve had to deal with the unshakable feeling that we have just been in a blatant parody of something.”
“I haven’t had to deal with that,” said Flyboy, “just the headache. Maybe you’re mentally insane.”
“That would explain a lot, actually.”
“Would it, now?”
Torn piped up. “And do you want to know what I’VE had to deal with?”
“What did YOU have to deal with, Torn?” asked Pie.
“I’ve had to deal with the fact that I seem constantly passed over with dialogue. It’s always just you and Flyboy talking, while I remain one-dimensional. I go everywhere with you, and all I do is just sit around and be a minor character and occasional plot device. Seriously, what’s my backstory?”
“You were a hobo who got drafted,” said Flyboy, “and you tatter everything you wear up because you like the way it feels or it looks or something along those lines.”
“You should try to be more assertive.” Pie said, and Flyboy nodded.
“I save both of your guys’ necks, and this is what I get? Whatever. Let’s get back, I need a beer.”
And, with those conversations over, the Blues casually strolled through the teleporter and were transported through space atom by atom once again.
